cursed with the fear

I think we have talked before about fear and my issues with being brave. Yes, really. I'm getting better in small ways, but still need encouragement in so many ways. I told you before that I wrote a book over the summer and have been revising it over the past couple of months.

Now comes the hard part, I think. Sending out all those queries and shopping for an agent. I need to get ready for many, many, many rejection letters. And I don't know that I take rejection well. From boys, sure, I have tons of experience with boys not falling in love with me, but with something relatively academic, not really. I've never had trouble getting As or getting teachers to like me, but this is new. This is completely subjective without anyone really knowing me or my teachable, editable potential. I get one letter or email and anywhere from five to 50 pages to prove that my novel is worth publishing.

I think it is.

And the one person who has read it liked it (thanks, Emily.)

But if it isn't good enough, how will I really react with everything else going on? I mean, I'm looking for a job, I'm waiting for a baby and I'm not sure how I will feel if this ultimately doesn't turn out well. Writing is such a personal, cathartic experience. I think it's totally how I got through the failed placement, and for someone to take my healing experience and reject it, it will sting.

The fear gets me. It keeps me from pressing send and emailing my ohsocool novel off to potential agents. I suppose I just need to get over it and email it out and just let it all begin. Who knows what will happen.

If anyone out there has tips or a connection they want to share, please go ahead and comment. And if you know any agents that I should stay away from, I'd like to know that too!

new moon's arisin'

I'm too lazy to actually upload the couple of shots I took from my birthday weekend, but let's just say it was fun. Ohmy. Yes. It was fun.

It started on Friday (my actual birthday) when my mom brought me lunch at work and some new picture frames that I had been asking for as a present. The school also gives each staff member the cake of their choice for their birthday, so I was presented with a fudge truffle cheesecake. YUM. Pics of that to come. You know I have pics of the cake.

Friday night was dinner out with our friends Phil and Bethany, and a $20 gift certificate to Kohl's. YAY! Saturday morning I slept in, then cleaned the bathroom, then got ready for the big night out.

The big night out included this:

Yup. Edward and Bella and that other dude in the film. My two friends Emily and Mandy escorted me to the movies and then to dinner. Emily gave me the sweetest book and a posie pin that I immediately stuck on my coat. The movie was so much fun, and when you see a movie on the opening weekend, you know the other people in the theater are also fans. And they were. There was such a camaraderie in there, and people actually cheered when that wolf dude took his shirt off.

Okay, here is my review of the film. It was really good. It was certainly better than the last one, and was very true to the book, with only some small embellishments or changes. Edward is still a tad moody for my taste. The wolf dude was much cuter once he cut his hair, but we know he'll never have a chance with Bella, and when Emily wanted her to pick him, I threw Nerds at her. I did. I liked the ending and am excited about the next installment, since Eclipse was my favorite of the books. It's been fun that both movies were released so closely to my birthday.

But they still didn't paint the kitchen cabinets yellow. And Bella's bed is on the wrong side of the room. And the color Kristen Stewart's hair is in the photo is more what I think the color of Bella's hair should be. Not quite so dark. Yes, I'm picky. Whatever.

After the movie, we had a really nice dinner and all went home feeling happy. It was a great night, and a fun birthday outing. Today, my mom cooked lunch for Charlie and I and his parents and niece and nephew, and his mom gave me a really neat cookbook. Just in time for Thanksgiving. YAY.

So now I am exhausted and I have to work tomorrow. It's been a good weekend. Oh, and I turned 33. I keep forgetting that part.

Feel free to stick around and look at that picture. You know you want to.

i wrote a book, now what?

Do you remember this post I wrote about wanting to write a book? Well, when I wrote that post I was halfway through the manuscript of my very first novel, and not really knowing what to do with it. Then we were matched with a birthmom and the novel went on the back burner. When that fell through, I gave myself the summer to finish the novel.

And I did it.

I typed the last words this afternoon. The story is done, finished, complete.

That doesn't mean there isn't a ton of editing to do, because that isn't done. I also need to go back and re-write some sections that I'm not happy with and need more detail. I have a sideplot that isn't fully fleshed out.

But I did it.

Now I need to go through the process of preparing it for submission to either a literary agency or publisher. Anyone out there have any suggestions or connections that you would love to send me?

I have to say that I am so proud that I actually did it. I'm not sure how many pages it would end up being, but it is somewhere in the neighborhood of 110,000 words. I do like to talk, people.

Ok, enough about me. Just wanted to share.

new moon a rising...

Look what I saw in the paper on Friday...an announcement for New Moon movie! Ahem. Look closely.

It will open on November 20, 2009. Anyone know what that is?

My birthday.

What a present that the movie gods are giving to me! Not that I was so much in love with the Twilight movie, but I am curious to see what they will do with the next one. They did get a new director, so that will help, I think. They are keeping the same screenwriter, but that has time to change too.

I will say that New Moon was the book in the series that moved the slowest for me, so I imagine the movie will do the same thing. Hopefully, we will be able to get another group of girls together for this one...Caroline and Emily and I had such a fun time this year. Do you dare to plan ahead to join us?

Eleven whole months to think about it.

powerful words, a contest and a challenge

Several weeks ago I picked up this book at Target and flipped through it. I was drawn in by the foreward that the families had written about why they decided to share their story. It was so beautifully worded, so carefully phrased, so miraculous in it's content. I didn't have the money to buy it that day, but when someone gave me a giftcard, I went back and bought it.

I was immersed for two days in their story.

It is amazing. It is shocking. It is Jesus.

I remember seeing an article in People Magazine about the curious story: two blond girls from the same college are in a van that is hit by a truck that crosses the median. One girl dies. One girl is badly injured and in a coma. The family of the deceased trusts that the ID near her was the correct ID, and they mourn their lost daughter. Six weeks later, after the girl in the coma wakes up, and is asked her name, she tells them. She is the wrong girl. There was a mix-up. An unfortunate mix-up. A heartbreaking mix-up.

There aren't many words to describe what these families went through. I can't even imagine what it is like to bury your daughter, only to have her miles away in a hospital. The book tells the story so gently. You feel it. I cried. Several times. But not for the reason you think. This excerpt tells it better than I can (I have no permission to print this, but I don't think they'll mind.)

"It is a horrible thing to lose a child. Yet in the midst of the worst of tragedies, God reveals Himself. These are not just words we use to keep our spirits up during difficult days. We have experienced this revealation for ourselves. Above all things, this is the message we hope to convey. This is a story about God's grace and His love for us that transcends the worst this world can dish out.

None of us are in any way unique or special. We are simply average people who have accepted God's love for us, demonstrated through Jesus Christ's death and resurrection. God has proven Himself faithful to each of us, giving comfort and strength when in our humanness we were in great need. And His faithfulness has deepened our trust in Him.

The story of how two girls, Laura Van Ryn and Whitney Cerak, could be mistaken for each other may seem fantastic and unbelievable, yet that's not the real story here. This book is really about how God has sustained two families through His grace.

We hope after all that is said on these pages, you see it is really all about Him."

Are you choked up? I get a little misty just typing it. It is an amazing book about life, loss and putting your trust in the maker of all things. What an unique opportunity to use your life to witness.

That all being said, I will do a drawing for the book to pass it on. I request that after you read it, you do a drawing and pass it on. Keep it going, I challenge you. I think many of you will be touched by the words on these pages and want to share it as well. You will. Post a comment if you are interested. I will draw a name next Wednesday and announce the winner.

If you win, buy a box of tissues and clear your calendar.