happy valentine's to me

So, the cookware around the ol' homestead is looking might rough. Charlie and I started talking about it a couple of months ago, before Christmas, but other things took precedence. Don't get me wrong, my old cookware was bought as a wedding present and was nice. But it was painted on the outside, and my dishwasher doesn't like that. And one of my pans got scratched on the inside by a doggie who was trying to help me get it clean. I know, some of you might think that's gross.

But, behold:

My new cookware. Calphalon Hard-Anodized cookware set.

Now, it isn't the fancy, fancy calphalon stuff. I can't afford that, and I don't like stainless steel cookware, cause I'm just not that talented. I like me some teflon! I know that even though I aspire to culinary greatness, I just can't get into cooking on stainless steel. Just not for me, but if you're cooking on it, I give you many compliments.

This particular cookware set came with a free bonus gift of another pan as well, shaped a little like a flatter wok with a lid. And I love glass lids!! Yes. Smart cookware designers gave me glass lids and one that fits on the large saute pan. Awesome.

Can you tell I'm gushing? I love my present! Or, I will when it arrives tomorrow.

I looked around a little at cookware.com and found this set. I sent it to Charlie because I wanted him to see the style I was looking for since we were going to go look around here in town. I thought we might be able to get a few pieces at our local TJ Maxx, since they normally carry such great stuff. I didn't think I'd be able to get a whole set, or at least, not all at once. So I sent it to his email and then last night he tells me he went ahead and ordered it!!!!!!!!!

I started jumping around. He was so casual about it, and I was so thrilled. Completely and totally thrilled and surprised that he would go ahead and get it. YAY!

So, Valentine's Day will consist of something home cooked, in my new pans! I'd invite you, but it's not really romantic to have a whole group. So, sorry.

New pans, new pans, new pans, new pans, new pans. Ahhh, the long hours until they arrive tomorrow. New pans, new pans, new pans.

New pans. Sigh. I'm in love. With them, and my husband.

lots of friends

The last couple of weeks have been busy, but good busy. Lots of time spent with friends and doing fun things. Wow, that was such a well constructed sentence, wasn't it?

On Sunday I helped Ashley (on the right) host a baby shower for our friend Mandy. Both Ashley and Mandy are pregnant with boys. Mandy is due in February and Ashley in March, but since Ashley is having twins, she will probably deliver in February too.

It was a fun afternoon spent with friends and cute little blue baby clothes. I was in charge of the centerpieces and I filled baby bottles with Sweetarts and tied balloons to them. Except I didn't want all the colors of the Sweetarts, so I separated out all the pink and orange ones. Now, I have a pink and orange bag full of tarty goodness.

Below is my friend Alison in the best pic we got using the automatic timer. Of course, my head is cut off, but seriously people, this was the best one of about eight that we took. Alison will verify this, I'm sure. We met up on Black Friday and it was so good to see her. We are high school buddies and haven't seen each other in about seven years. Sooo good to catch up.

This pic below is from my night out to see New Moon. Emily's husband nicely took several pictures of us. You can't tell, but Emily's son ran over to be in the picture and is actually standing there smiling, but was cropped out of the picture. I know one day he will grow up and ask his mommy where the picture is, but sadly I will not have one. Sigh.

You can't really tell from the picture, but my sweater was gray and sparkly. I wore it in honor of Edward and his sparkly skin. I know it's silly, but it seemed appropriate. Emily and Mandy loved it, and I'm sure they rolled their eyes later. And yes, I know I look like a giant. I can't help it. I really am a tall girl, and it always shows in pictures with friends. I'm five foot ten, and in most shoes I'm almost six foot. That's tall for a girl, right? In fact, I know it's tall. There's something like less than three percent of woman over five foot eight. Discovery told me so one day.

Friday night will bring a date with my man. An overnight date with my man. At a bed and breakfast with a bathtub. Don't blush. I'm very excited about my man and the bathtub. And the breakfast that someone else will cook. Date night. Date night. Date night. So glad to get a few hours alone with my man before all the Christmas plays and holiday stuff take over.

Love him.

Talk to you all later. This girl is off to a wonderful weekend.

hark...the real news from this girl

Hark...it's not a re-post. It's not just a brief update, with a lost promise for more. It is, however, a combination post, where I attempt to conquer two tasks in one: to update you on my recent life and to share some of my favorite Christmas tree ornaments.

The ornament challenge was presented by my illustrious high school friend, Alison, who was just down for a visit on black Friday. She posted about her favorite ornaments and her eclectic taste for ornaments. I have the same eclectic taste, and often buy what I think looks pretty and unique. When decorating my tree, I combine two kinds of ornaments: traditional round glass ornaments in different colors and one-of-a kind ornaments.

This glass angel is one of my faves. She is covered in blue iridescent glitter and when the light hits her she shines and sparkles.


These stars are fantastic, wonderful, special and inexpensive. Michael's has carried them for three years now and I buy more each time I see them. They are plastic iridescent stars, and they catch the light, but don't take up to much visual room. They don't make the tree look overloaded with ornaments, but they add interest and catch the colored lights.

Yes, I use colored lights. Alison pointed out that only uptight anal retentive people use white lights, or at least I think that's what she admitted. I have been a staunch supporter of the colored lights in my own house, but I do appreciate when people put their white light trees in the front windows. I think those look better than the colored light ones in the windows, but I still put colored lights on my tree. At night I will turn off the lights in the room and stare at my tree. It glows and I love the magic of it.

Have I lost you yet? Okay, so here's the skinny on my life right now. I did post a couple of weeks ago that my job will be phased out at the end of the school year. It was a bummer when I first found out, but now has become kind of like a treasure hunt to find something else. I talked to a couple of people, one of which was a friend at church who is an HR rep for her company. She let me send her my resume, so she could help me retool it, but it turns out they had an opening and I went in last week for an interview with her and her boss.

The interview wasn't intense at all, but laid back and conversational. There was a test I had to take, which I am still thinking about to this day, but it wasn't too bad. They told me I did well on it, so I was glad to know that. I won't know anything about the job for awhile, and I do know they were interviewing other people. However it turns out, I feel good getting back in there and starting down the road to finding a new job.


Okay, another ornament. This one was a gift from a student last year, and I love it. It's a little piece of pop culture. I was so excited to receive it, and went immediately home and hung it on my tree. Another teacher at school also got one, but didn't realize it what it was. I told her it was a shopping bag from Bloomingdales! She didn't really know about Bloomingdales, so I can understand why she didn't think it was as wonderful as I did. It totally adds to my collection since we don't have a Bloomingdales here and the family bought it in Chicago for us! I felt really special.

In other updates, our adoption agency is now working with three birthmothers, so there is a good possibility we could hear something soon. Prayers for that, please.

The kids at school are crazy these last couple of weeks before Christmas. I would say that 95% of our students at school celebrate Christmas, but we have had several parents in this week giving talks about Hanukkah. Either way, everyone is antsy to get to the winter break. Me included. I have major book revisions to do, and can't seem to work on it at the end of the day when my brain is fried. Vacation will help.

Oh, this Friday my sweetie of a husband is taking me away to a bed and breakfast for a night away. What a man!

And, if you need a good read, check out Pioneer Woman's Black Heels to Tractor Wheels series. It is the love story between her and he studly husband, Marlboro Man. What a story! I am still thinking about it. It is in the confessions section of her website.

Charlie is currently working on installing an exhaust fan in our master bathroom. Evidently in 1961 when our house was built it was not code to install fans in bathrooms if they had a window. Ours has a window. But I am certainly not going to be opening it while I am showering in December and we were having a moisture issue in there. Hence, the fan. Charlie is doing a great job, but my bathroom is torn apart, because he also is putting in a new light over the sink. So we have been using the smaller guest bath to shower and get ready. It's tight. And I keep having to go back and forth to the bedroom to get things. That part is annoying, but soon it will be over and I can get back in my bathroom and I will have a fan!

Enough? Do you feel like we've caught up? Hope so. If you have questions, leave a comment!

a not so happy bithday present

So, one of my not so favorite birthday gifts was the chopping down of a tree in our front yard. It was cut down under my protest, and in this first shot you can see the guy up in the tree chopping limbs off. I don't like him.

He left behind some sawdust, and a whole bunch of branches and twigs in my yard. Charlie only wanted to pay for the tree to come down, he didn't want to pay for them to take it away, which is what I wanted.

Here I am, looking sad. It was not the most fun part of my whole birthday weekend.

Here is Charlie, looking rather triumphant, wouldn't you say? He looks mighty proud of himself, I do think. He looked happy until he had to start chainsawing the stuff and hauling it down to the curb.

AND, he made me help him. Yes, can you believe that? I didn't want anything to do with it, but there I was outside, in the cold, taking logs to the curb for people to pick up for firewood. There was much grumbling on my part.

Doesn't he know how I feel about trees? Yes, he does. And he's planning to take another one down that is hanging over our house, but he has promised to replace it with something nice. I told him that some sapling he could buy at Home Depot couldn't replace a 100 year old tree, but I was overruled. It seems to happen a lot lately.

Oh, well. Goodbye tree. You lived a good life, and I will miss your pretty leaves. Charlie will NOT miss your gumballs.

proof...here's proof

Yes, I love to take pictures, and I have filed up an entire SD card with images of nature: flowers, leaves, plants, etc. The colors of fall are amazing, and are only around for a brief time.

Lovely. So lovely. Lovely, that is, until they fall.


My husband has been working on the yard recently and has been doing such a great job. He has asked me a couple of times to help out, and here's proof that I have indeed been outside, helping. He said that since I love the trees so much, I should be in charge of collecting their droppings. It's a small price to pay to have the trees, so I put on my old silver sparkly tennis shoes and a sweatshirt, which I didn't need once it got hot, and got out there. Yup, I spent time with my lovely trees. The Queen of the Indoors is slowly expanding her kingdom.

I blew leaves! (such a great action shot, taken by my hubsie.) Many, many, many leaves. Many little gum balls from the sour gum tree. Doggie doo mixed with leaves and sour gum balls. Two and a half hours of blowing leaves down toward the curb. These pictures were taken within the first 15 minutes, when I was still having fun. At the end of the night I could barely lift my water glass with my right arm.

What I never understood about leaf blowers is this: it takes muscle to move them forward. It's basic physics, I guess. In order for the leaves to continue moving down the yard toward the street, I have to keep walking forward, while the air wants to press me back. It's not a great amount of pressure, but you notice it more when you do take a couple of steps backwards and the air helps you. It's propelling itself backwards, while you (and your wimpy arm muscle) are making it go forward.

Here I am digging up a hydrangea plant and moving it down the yard to another spot. I dug things up, people. I know you can't believe it, but this fall I have been kinda helpful. Not extremely helpful, mind you, but somewhat helpful.

Okay, so you have proof that while I may love the indoors and taking pictures, I can assist in some ways outside. I may have to hand my title to someone else, if this helpfulness keeps up. We'll see. Most likely, you will see more pictures of lovely leaves, and less of me working, but you never know when I might help again. It's a mystery.

introducing Oreo the goat and one proud Yankee Fan

Here is one happy Yankee Fan, sitting at our Fall Family Festival (a trunk or treat event.)

He was so proud of his decorations! And as each kid came to get candy, he asked them who they were pulling for and we tallied it up. Some of the kids had absolutely no idea, but went with the Yankees cause Charlie was wearing his Yankee hat, coat and listening to the game on the radio.



While he did this, I went over and played with the goats and llamas at the petting zoo the church brought in. This is Oreo. She was very happy to eat out of my hand. Cute, for a goat, I guess.

I think I have shared before that I grew up in a family that didn't celebrate halloween, and so all this is new to me. Charlie still is the one with more enthusiasm for the day, but I go along and take pictures and look at all the cute kids. Toward the end of the night when they all get hyper, I wanna bail, but that could happen anywhere I suppose.

All in all, it was a fun night and not cold like last year. Oreo was thankful for that, I think.

good things

My husband loves candles during the fall/winter. He doesn't like them any other time, really, but about this time every year he starts smelling candles in every store we visit. Yesterday, we were in TJ Maxx and Target and he was sniffing his way down the aisle of candles, trying to find one for fall. He likes the house to smell like pumpkin pie and baked goods, and around Christmas I like the cranberry ones or pine scented ones.

Let me also admit that finding a candle is a challenge for us, because I am extremely sensitive to scents. Anything really strongly floral or fake smelling (like beach scented candles?) give me a headache. It's one of the major reasons I don't wear perfume. Usually, citrus scented things are okay, but those aren't the scents for fall. We normally compromise a little and don't burn them for too long, but just enough to get the smell.


I was trying out my new camera lens (sigma 18-200 OS, in case you care) and took this photo of some sticks in a vase. I love the way the warm wall color makes me think of fall, and trees losing their leaves. If you've read my blog for any length of time, or even think really about the title, you know that I love trees, in any state, except chopped down. Each season with trees is interesting for me, from the sprouting to blooming to lush green summer fullness to the warm colors they display in fall. I love trees. Seriously.

I love pumpkin pie and chai lattes, mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving, carving pumpkins, decorating my Christmas tree and shopping for presents. Fall is full of fun and cooler weather, my birthday (and the New Moon movie), and shopping. Did I mention the shopping?

Oh, and the most amazing thing happened the other day. After reading the Nester's guest post from a blogger who was having her house foreclosed upon, I wished there was something I could do. There really wasn't, of course, since I don't know this person in real life and my little contribution wouldn't have helped them keep their house. BUT, when I went to the grocery store a couple of hours later, the Urban Ministries program was collecting food for their food bank and listing the kinds of people they helped. People who had lost their housing was one of the groups they mentioned! So I shopped around the store and included several extra cans of things I was buying for the Urban Ministries. And after I bought my groceries, I took my bag back to the little man who was manning the table and he was so cute! Old and crinkled, but talking to people about donating to the Urban Ministries. I felt so good about helping, even though it wasn't helping the Nester's Guest Blogger, but it would help someone in my community. And it's so easy when stores put out collection baskets, because you can shop and hand the stuff off right then. Such a great idea!

Maybe that wasn't the most amazing story you've ever heard, but it made me feel good to help out a little. It didn't cost me much and I felt so good about contributing. You can too, you know! Buy a can of soup for someone in need, if you can, of course. There was a time in my life when I was on the other end and the church was bringing our family groceries. It all cycles around. Do what you can, when you can.

That's a good motto: do what you can, when you can.

proposal stories and the reality of marriage

I want to say that I loved all the proposal stories you shared. Most of you had such wonderful stories of how you were asked to marry the man of your dreams, and many of you at least dropped hints to your man about what you wanted. I found that comforting. And I wasn't the only one who actually went with her man and pointed to the one she wanted.

Here's my man. Ain't he dreamy?

No, he isn't always fancy or cleanshaven, but he's my man and he loves me. Who knows why he loves me, but he does and today he took me to buy curtain rods for our dining room. Sweet, huh?

Today he and I talked about the fact that I'm still grieving over the failed placement of the baby in May. And it's not that I'm sad all day, everyday, but it's that I'm sad sometimes. We were ready to be a family and that didn't happen. My summer of rest gave me time, but today my husband reminded me that it's time to move on. Get ready for the next baby who will come our way. It's time to pick up the pieces and put myself back together.

This post isn't really about adoption, but about marriage. It's hard to have those conversations sometimes about the hard things. Or embarrassing things. Or family related things. Or financial things. When Charlie and I went to our first premarital counseling session, our pastor told us about the three things that most couples fight about: sex, money and family. And he was right. Sex is complicated at times, money isn't easy, even if you have a whole bunch of it, and family gets in the way sometimes. It all comes out of love, but it all tangles together and creates a mess if left unchecked.

We do a pretty good job talking about most things and we struggle to talk about the more serious issues. Tempers get high and feelings get hurt. But it's important to get the thoughts out and talk about them. It's the only way to improve our relationship, though, to talk it through. I wish that I could say it always solves things, but it at least let's us know that we care.

And that was Charlie's point. He cares about me and wanted to let me know that he sees my pain and grief, but wants to help me heal. I am thankful that even though it isn't easy, he can be brave and bring up the hard things. It was important to him, and he wanted to know what was important to me.

In your life, what is important to you? I had these items on my list:

Faith.
Charlie.
Family and pets (can't forget the furry babies)
My home and house.
My job and the students I teach.
My creative outlets: writing, photography, cooking, blogging

Things that are not on my radar:

Yard work.
Automotive repair.
Football.
Telemarketers.
Tanning.

These are just a few that come to mind. Charlie also pointed out that I like a lot of alone time, and it was something I never really realized about myself. I do. I like alone time. I like the peace and quiet of a house to myself when I can do whatever I want, like read or watch Project Runway or blog, without feeling like I should be doing something else. I can spend hours alone. I can spend days without leaving my house and still feel content. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I want to get out and wander around and get things done, but this summer I spent much time at home with the quiet.

It's interesting how much we've grown since we got married. We really have learned a lot about each other and I know we will continue to learn even more about each other as we travel this life together. I know my thoughts here aren't perfected or written out in a manner that makes a whole bunch of sense, but it's on my mind.

What's on your mind?

happy anniversary, Charlie

We each picked a special thing that we wanted to do while we were in New York. Charlie chose to get tickets to a Yankees game and he was really excited about it, especially since this was the first year in the new stadium. The Yankees were playing the Toronto Blue Jays that day.

Our seats were in the top tier, but we had the front row so we had a great view. I am not the biggest baseball fan, but I knew it would be cool to actually be at a game, and I did have fun cheering for the Yankees.

The new stadium is really nice. I loved the way it was decorated, with the large banners of the players. On the reverse side was black and white pictures of famous former players. We arrived early so we could shop a little at the souvenir store and pick out a few things. Our anniversary is on July 10th and Charlie's birthday is on July 30th, so I wanted him to pick out something for his birthday gift. We saw several really cool jackets, but everything was soooo expensive. He ended up getting a hat and I got a t-shirt with sparkly silver writing. You know I love sparkles.

We stopped on one of the lower tiers and took pictures of the field from another angle. The view from behind home plate made me think that baseball might be more fun if we could afford more expensive tickets.

See how happy he looks? It was such a thrill for him to be there among all the fans and have an authentic baseball experience. When we rode the subway up to the stadium, there were so many people dressed in Yankee blue we didn't even need to worry about where to get off. When all the people in Yankee t-shirts got up, we got up too. So easy.

The game was at lunchtime and so we decided to get something to eat. That was a very pricey decision. We ordered one double cheeseburger, a small fry, a water and a Pepsi in a collectible cup and that equaled $28. We shared.

There were 46,000 people in attendance that day, so we decided to leave halfway through the ninth inning, in order to avoid the crowds. The game ended up going into extra innings, but the Yankees won 6 to 5.

All in all, a great day. I ended up a little sunburned on my shoulders, but a little sunburn was worth the experience. We rode the subway back and got off at Columbus Circle, wandered around a little bit and found a diner to eat dinner. We went back to the hotel after that and watched the fireworks from our hotel room. We turned the special on tv so we could hear the music from the fireworks, but we had a great view from our window, since we faced the Hudson river. My pictures weren't that great, but it was a once in a lifetime experience to watch NYC fireworks and actually be there.

Happy Anniversary, Charlie. Glad you had a good time!

the big apple, part one

This vacation will be told in several parts, because something unique happened each day. I can totally say that I was excited about going to NYC, but I was nervous that it would be really, really, really touristy and we would spend our day in line after line after line to see things. I asked so many people before we left what we should see, and the list was long. There are historical sites (Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island), tourist areas (Empire State, Madame Toussaud's) and all sorts of entertainment (broadway shows, ballets, clubs, comedy, etc.)

The first day we did buy tickets on an open air double decker bus, and rode around on it. We got on and off whenever we wanted to, and we liked that. It let us see so many things that we wanted, but to see as we drove past. I only needed to see a snippet of Chinatown to know I didn't really want to spend much time there. We rode the Staten Island Ferry and saw the Statue of Liberty from afar, then got back on the bus and went up to Central Park.


Here we are sitting in front of the Plaza Hotel. We bought hot dogs from a street cart and ate in Central Park, then walked around and climbed on the big rocks (that's the above pic.) We found the Mac Store, which was cool, but crowded. Wow, crowded. New Yorkers love their Macs, I guess. The entrance to it was really cool, cause it reminded me of the entrance to the Louvre, which is a glass pyramid. Mac is cool and classy at the same time.

We also stopped at Engine 54, which was across the street from our tour bus stop. This fire house lost more men in 9/11 than any other house. We took a moment there, and talked with a captain, and he was so nice. I didn't really want to bring up 9/11, but I wanted to stand there for a moment and remember. We went past Ground Zero, and all it is now is a construction site. So much time has passed.



We bought a few souvenirs that day, then got on our bus and went back to our hotel in New Jersey. We were staying right across the Hudson in Secaucus in a little convention park, and we ate at Cheeseburger in Paradise that night. So yummy after all that walking.

And that was our Friday. More to come in part two: Saturday, July 4th.

where was McDreamy?

If you want to read about our meeting with the birthmother, click here.



If you want to read about my trip to the hospital, keep reading.



When I went for my checkup at the urologist several weeks ago, and I was so frustrated that I was not getting better, he suggested we do another test. One that would require them putting me to sleep for about 15 minutes so they could look up inside my bladder and stretch it out. I was not looking forward to it, as I was nervous about going to sleep, but I honestly didn't get a chance to think much about it with the adoption stuff going on.

Thursday morning came very quickly after all the hustle and bustle of Wednesday and the birthmother. We drove to the surgical center and I was quickly taken in to a ready room, where they gave me a gown and some grippy socks to wear. The room was small but nice...it had this really comfy recliner chair for me to sit in, and they brought me a heated blanket. I didn't have much time to get nervous, and they came in and put in my IV. My doctor came by for a brief hello and then they brought Charlie back to sit with me.

I already told you that the thing I was most nervous about was the anesthesgia. Well, when the anesthesiologist came by to introduce himself and talk to me, it turned out that he was the dad of one of my students. It made me feel better that he at least knew of me...that I wasn't just a random patient. I told him that he now had more incentive to make sure I woke up.

They gave me a hairnet, Charlie and I said a prayer, and then they walked me down the hall to the Operating Room. I had to climb up on this table and lay down, and let me tell you, I was waiting for McDreamy to come around the corner or something. There was no hot surgeon to wish me well and comfort me. I stretched out flat and they covered me with blankets and then put a mask over my face and I was out. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room and the nurse asking if I was thirsty and wanted juice. I drank two cups of apple juice and they took me back to my recliner room. We waited there for a little bit while I woke up some more and then they released me to go home.

All in all, it wasn't a bad morning. I really don't remember all of it, but when I came home I curled up in my bed with some magazines and a book and slept on and off. I will say that if I hadn't had this test to make me sit at home on Thursday, I might not have gotten any kind of rest this week during break. This week went by too fast and school starts again in the morning.

Sigh.

the house of sickness

Well, our house is quite germy right now. I have some sort of stomach bug and Charlie has a sinus infection. This we have learned about each other...when I am sick, I want attention and to be nursed a little. When Charlie is sick, he wants to be left alone. He is cranky.

Let me repeat. He is cranky.

And, like a pregnant woman.

The other night when he was coming down with his sinus stuff, he wanted to go to the store, so we went. He decided he wanted Sprite and soft tissues. Ok. We picked up some Nyquil. Ok. We stood there in the store and I asked him if he wanted anything else. No, he said.

Not an hour after we got home he said he wanted cereal. I told him we had Life cereal in the cabinet. He said yuck. Then he pouted and looked pitiful. So I got in the car and went back to the store to pick up Lucky Charms and Captain Crunch.

He was content to eat right out of the box.

My husband has class.

finding the good place

Over the past couple of days I have looked around at some infertility blogs, and there are many out there. Some are hopeful, some are mournful, some are downright depressing, and I don't blame these women at all. And these blogs are written by women; I haven't seen one written by a man. But in all the pages that I read, all the pleas that I absorbed, all the prayers that have been sent up, I realized several things about myself and this past year. I learned a lot about myself this year and about God's will for me. I learned so much about my husband and about how we both see the world. And I am in a good place.

I am now.

I was not always in this good place.

I would like to take some time to share what I learned. It might not all make sense, but if it can bring any comfort to anyone out there, I feel I should let it all out.

1. Infertility hurts. Well, I'm sure most of you are saying "duuh!" But you'd be surprised how much it hurts. It hurts your feelings, your body and your marriage. It's like a sneaky spy that infiltrates a succesful organization and takes over. You think about it all day. You take your temperature every morning and cross your fingers that today is THE day. And then you're depressed when it isn't. And your husband doesn't quite see it the same way. He moves on and you're stuck in the bathroom crying over the sink and wondering how the hell you got to be a woman that can't give her man a child.

2. People don't get it. Unless they've been there. Try as other people might, if you didn't have trouble getting pregnant, you can possibly get it. Men certainly have a hard time getting it, and I think it's because they don't share this intense drive to be a parent. And people that don't get it can be rude without knowing it, and you can be rude right back without meaning it either, except you do mean it.

3. If one more person tells you that you can always adopt....you are gonna slap the nose off their face. And stomp away.

4. The drugs make you crazy. If you tried any kind of pharmecutical remedy for your infertility, then you know they make you tired, sick, emotional, stressed out, and on edge, which isn't the best thing for a person who's supposed to be relaxing and having sex.

5. Did we mention sex? Yeah, it ruins the sex.

Add that all up and it means one cranky, childless woman with a husband who is getting not-so-satisfying reproduction sex. It ain't fun. Here is the only bright spot, and it may take some doing to see it.

God can heal all that.

He can.

He can take that hurt, that rude person, that lackluster sex, that burning desire to be a mother and heal it. He can take it away if you ask Him to, and if you open your fists and give it up. The releasing it was the hard part for me, cause I was holding so tightly to getting pregnant, that I wasn't letting it go even as I was praying for His will. It turned out His will was different for me.

What is His will for you?

Are you reading this and still dealing with infertility? I am. But I know that He can do anything. He can get you pregnant. He can bring you a child through adoption. Or He can help you let it go. Only you know what His will for you is, and only you will have to come to terms with it. His will may not be exactly what you always pictured, but it will be His loving plan for you. A plan to bring you joy, not harm.

Everyone is in their own situation and knows their own life, but it often takes another person's perspective to jolt you out of the rut you might find yourself in. It took a good friend of mine asking why I was still trying something that wasn't working to get me to see that I wasn't seeing my own situation clearly. And that clarity has brought nothing but peace. His peace.

My prayer for you, all you childless women out there, is that you will find the path that brings you peace. If it is continuing to try various options to concieve, then take a breath, and know that one of these months it will happen. If it is adoption, then fill out those papers and wait for Him to bring you the child He always planned to place in your home. If it is not motherhood (and this one has to be hard to come to) then I pray you find peace in moving on.

In my own life, I have found peace in the paperwork. Adoption paperwork. That turned out to be our path. When I think back to the months I spent taking meds and charting my temperature, I wonder why it all felt so wrong. And for me it was. It may be the right path for you, I can't decide that. And whoever God choose to place in my arms, I will love.

Oh, and yeah, the sex is back. God can heal that too. Wink, wink.

compromise makes for a superhero

I didn't write about my brush with halloween when it happened, well, I don't know why. I think I forgot that these pictures were taken and I happened upon them today. If you really know me, then you might gasp to see me sitting with my dog, who's wearing a costume, participating in a trunk or treat. And that gasp would be accurate.

There's a lot to this story, so let me back up.



I don't do halloween. I was raised in a family and a church that didn't do halloween. Not at all. It just wasn't a holiday that we participated in, mostly because of the witchcraft elements and all that. We never had pumpkins, didn't dress up, didn't do candy. It just wasn't something we did. And I kept to that for years. When I lived with roommmates after college, sometimes they would give out candy, but I didn't help. It just wasn't my thing.

Then I got married.

Most of you might get the point right then and there. Marriage. The great compromise. The pull of someone else's lives and traditions. And our first big compromise came with halloween the first year, and then with Santa at Christmas (which we didn't do either.) My husband wanted to give out candy, and I did not. It was quite the discussion, but I think ultimately it was a moot point since we were gone that night. In the passing years it has come up again and again. I compromised wtih carving a pumpkin and putting it out, but he gave out the candy and I planned to be elsewhere.

And I can't really explain why halloween irks me so much. I mean, I know it's ingrained in me that it's evil, but I'm an adult, I should be able to make up my own mind. It's probably the candy. And the greedy kids, all hopped up on sugar. And the cold. Just not the best combination.

But this year the church held a trunk or treat thing, called a fall festival. And my husband wanted to do it. I said no. But somehow I ended up out there, freezing my butt off, calming a very nervous dog in a costume, handing out candy to kids. And call me a Scrooge, but it isn't what I called a good time.

Then there was the discussion afterwards, about why I hadn't the best time. And why I couldn't just let kids have fun. And why I had such a closed off mind. You know, you might have had one of those discussions yourself. And I think it came back to this...no one should make you feel stupid because of how you were raised, and that's how I felt. I felt like my beliefs were less important than his beliefs. That's not good. So we talked about it some more and eventually called a truce. Halloween just isn't that important in the scheme of things.

And this post isn't really about halloween, per se. It's more about how we give and take as couples. How two people really have to try to come together and agree on things, or to agree to disagree, which is sometimes how we leave things. Because you shouldn't have to concede defeat if you really believe that something is right or wrong.

Ultimately, all married couples have to figure out how to fight. Do you fight with angry words, or with calm discussions? Or is it somewhere in between? Do you come out the other side feeling better, or worse? Was it productive, or just venting? We try to make sure that we come to some agreement at the end as to how we are going to move forward. It's how we make it work.

How do you make it work?

stretched to the breaking point

Out on a limb. That's me. Well, this girl isn't me...this is come chick I found on the internet in a cute red dress who happens to be sitting on a tree limb. But that's how I view this blog. Like I'm Out on a Limb. Stretching the boundaries of who I am and who I should be striving to be.

I think I put myself out there in print. But being real in person can be so much more difficult. Sometimes I just gloss over my hurts and pains in real life instead of addressing them and getting past it. Then I come and dump it all on you, my ever faithful readers. And you take it and pray for me and wish me well. I think. I hope.

In my real life, I don't think I'm brave at all. I think I shrink into the background many days and become the wallpaper. There, but not really all that present. Appreciated, but not really noticed.

Sometimes I feel that way with God too. I feel invisible, and I know I am not. But it's hard to keep the faith sometimes. Today is one of those days where I feel horrible and am feeling low. I know it's all supposed to work together for good, but I guess I just gotta keep praying. I have to trust that this will work out and if I'm supposed to be a Mom, it will happen. But I feel overwhelmed and hormonal and tired and stretched beyond my capacity for intensity. And I know that many of you will sympathetically tell me to be patient, and I know I need to hear it. So I will keep waiting.

And waiting. With my box of tissues. Out on a Limb.

which path?

Many of you have commented or email and have supported me in this season of searching and wanting. I thought I might address a couple things and really lay my heart out there for you all to see in regards to our wishes in starting a family. I know, like I could be more open? But anyway, I feel like I should share where I am in this moment. Pills and hormones aside.



Let's back up.



When I was single I never thought I would have children. It just didn't seem like that's where I was headed. I liked children, but I always felt more comfortable around teenagers. I taught at a high school and was able to be a big sister to the teens that entered my classroom, and that felt right to me. I even considered donating my eggs on time so that other women (infertile women, how ironic) could have babies. I never did it, obviously.



Also, I have to share that I have had a long inbred fear of childbirth. Seriously. I mean, I know, most women don't really look forward to it, but aren't so fearful about it as I am. Even in this quest to get pregnant, I would like to think that they could get the baby out of me without any pushing or pulling or surgery. Maybe my uterus has an escape hatch or something.



So I thought about adoption. Actually, it just seemed like something I would be drawn to. A way to have babies without childbirth. Sounds good. Rescuing a child from another parentless fate sounded like something my heart was made for. Offering a home to a child in need, and no scary hospital stay. Sign me up, right?



I met Charlie and we dated and I told him how I felt about it being pregnant and adoption. It seemed important that he know where I stood on having kids. Some men don't want to consider adoption. Little by little though, as I would look at Charlie, my mind started to change. Wouldn't it be lovely to have a little child with his hair and my unique eyes? I shared this with him and I think he was happy about it. Charlie is like the Pied Piper when it comes to kids. They flock to him and he was once a Children's Pastor. He is able to talk to little kids and they just think he is so neat.



So we got married. And two Christmases later I told him I was ready to start trying. He asked me to wait a little longer. It was a drag, but ok. We waited another 7 months and started trying last July. I was diagnosed with PCOS that same month at my yearly OB-GYN appointment and my doctor told me it was unlikely I would get pregnant without help given the history of my menstrual cycle.



Thus began the journey we are on right now.



Many of you have mentioned adoption in your comments and emails. I have several friends that have experienced that joy both domestically and internationally, and I know it is a happy ending. What I would like to say is that we are not there yet.



I don't consider adoption to be my second choice.



Even as a single gal, I had adoption placed in my heart. And it might be that it was placed there by the Creator of all Things, who knew my body inside and out.



In this season, I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Trying this with my own body.



But, I continue to seek God's will and His path for my life, my marriage and my family. How long He has placed us on this path, I don't know.



So, for those of you who have continued to encourage me, pray for me, and support me...keep that thought in your prayer. That Charlie and I will continue to seek His will for our family and know if the time comes for us to change our strategy. Let Him give us a "baseball bat" over the head (as Nichole said) and know what is in store for us.



And I thank God that He gave me a husband that is flexible about how our family is put together. I am blessed in that regard. My husband isn't worried about it being genetically his baby, and what a gift He/he gave me in that!



Just some thoughts I wanted to share. Hope I didn't bring you down on this lovely Saturday, but I just wanted to let you all see where we were at and on this path.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans of peace and not harm, to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

birthday bathroom blues

I think I was saying the other day that getting into a project was really helping me get out of my bad mood and back into living life. I painted my foyer and yesterday I painted my hall bathroom. Why I am doing all this painting? Well, there are two things really.

1. We moved into this house a little over a year ago and there were rooms that hadn't been decorated. Normally when I move ( and I moved a TON when I was single) I put things on the wall very quickly, but I didn't do that with this house. Since it was built in 1961 we had a lot of renovating to do first and we completely remodeled the kitchen in the first three months. So I was tired after that, and stressed and lazy. So I finally got around to it this summer. Here is a picture of the foyer I painted the other day. I kept the mirror up there because it matched nicely and added the stars that I picked up at Linens and Things.

2. Why I painted the bathroom? When it was perfectly fine? Happy Birthday, Charlie!!! You see, I painted the bathroom when we first moved in and I picked out what I thought was a really pretty green called "grape leaves." Sounded good to me. I accessorized it with white and purple and it was so cute. OR so I thought.

Well, it turns out that when you have the door closed and the light on, it glows. That's what Charlie says. And he had to use the bathroom. Our master bath does not have a door (don't get me started) and so I won't let him get ready in there at the Godforsaken hour he gets up. I need my beauty sleep, people. So he uses the hall bathroom, which was evidently like Chinese water torture or something with that green on the walls.

He would tell me all the time how he hated it. I told him to pick out another color while we were at Home Depot the other day and he comes to me with a blue.

Now, I hate blue bathrooms. If you have one, I am sorry. They feel cold and sterile and everyone has sea shells or tacky ocean prints and I hate them. They are not welcoming in the slightest and I think blue is the color you choose when you aren't brave enough to get what you really want. Blue is a safe color.

Now, I didn't mean to get started on all that, but you notice I did not delete it.

I told him there would be no blue. He was welcome to pick out another green, but I would not have blue in this house.

Would you look what happened? (Sorry about that glare.)

It all started with his comments of course. But when I was redoing the living room we took down these heavy brown curtains. And I wasn't going to give them away because I loved them and they are great faux silk and velvet curtains that are lined. Nice, in a Target way.

So, one afternoon I think: what if I attached some blue ribbon to those brown curtains and painted the bathroom?

So I took myself to the fabric store and bought me some blue ribbons. They even had one that was a blue and brown plaid. Then I glued them on. Yep, glued. Tacky glue, to be exact. And I went to HD and matched the ribbon to a paint color called "liberty gray," which is a subtle blue-gray-periwinkle color.

Then, in true mistreatment style, I nailed my curtain panel to the wall. The Nester will be so proud. I used her method of tacking down the ends where you want them and then going back and working from the middle. Great and easy technique. Then I swagged it back and tacked it with more ribbon (but, I didn't take a pic of that..sorry.)

Here is my ribbon sweetly protecting the white handtowels I don't let people use. I know, I am such a Monica about that. But I think the ribbon tells them to back off in a polite "i-am-being-saved-for-the-queen" way. I do have another towel out for people, so don't think I am so horrible that people can't wash their hands. Gross!

When my husband went to work yesterday the bathroom was green and purple. When he came home it was blue and brown! I even managed to accessorize without spending too much. I looked around the house and we had that painting on the wall in another room. I put my shelves and mirrors back up and found that "fleur de lis" thing at Hobby Lobby for $2.50. He was really excited and he said he knew it was really a gift from my heart because he knows how much I hate blue ( see above rant if you forgot already!)

But, don't tell him how much I really like it, ok? It'll be our little secret.

small packages

Thursday Charlie and I celebrated our 4th anniversary. I know, the big 4. We've been married such a long time! LOL. Anyway, I decided to plan our celebration and so I made reservations at a local restaurant and B&B to surprise Charlie.

Here we are getting ready to leave.

Here is Charlie sitting in the biiiiiig bed at the B&B. The room was so cute and had the best bathroom with a whirlpool tub. I took two baths while we were there.
And here is my present! Ohmy. Ohmy. It is so pretty.
It is kinda hard to tell, but the stone is a pale green amethyst (I didn't know they came in green) and it has four diamond prongs. It looks a little odd in the picture. Hmmmm. Maybe from another angle. Is that better?

Let me tell you something though, about how well my husband knows me. After we left the B&B, we went and saw a movie and then Charlie said he had a surprise for me. We went to a jewelry store and he stopped outside. Then he told me he had picked something out for me and we were going to pick it up, but if I didn't like it, I should say so and we would just pick out something else.

Can you guess? I didn't like it.

He actually did a pretty good job and the necklace had a flower pendant (year #4 is flowers and small appliances?) but it wasn't right. So we shopped around and I picked this out. So pretty. I kept staring at it all day and letting it catch the sunlight and sparkle.

My husband is such a surprise at times. He is really a great gift giver, and I love him for that. He told me once that he was not a mind reader, so when I see things I like I need to let him know. He files the info for later, and I am so grateful and touched when something special appears.

And even more grateful when he lets me exchange it.