But every now and then something comes along that really hits home and it hurts. Like this movie that my husband rented recently. Then She Found Me is a movie with Helen Hunt, Colin Firth, Bette Midler and the guy married to Sarah Jessica Parker. He has a name, but I can't remember it right now.
In this movie, April (helen hunt) is 39 and wants to have a baby. Sadly, her husband has just left her. She herself was adopted, and doesn't think she wants that life for her child. She then meets two people...a new man, and her birth mother. It's an interesting conversation movie.
But when she is lying on the table waiting to be InVitroed or whatever, she refuses to pray. She feels like she has lost faith.
I get like that. All the time.
I feel like maybe my prayers aren't good enough, otherwise God would answer them. I wonder if I am wrong to pray for a baby. Like maybe that's too bug a something to ask for. And I know it isn't, but here I am, a year and a half after we started trying, sitting here with no baby. And another month has just past where I have not ovulated. And I am sad.
So Friday night I had myself a little cry, brought on by this movie. And in the movie, April and her new man eventually adopt a little girl from China who is adorable, and they have a happy ending.
I'm ready for my happy ending, too.
I am a woman with more questions than answers. I am constantly searching, learning, decorating, loving and muddling my way through this life. I live under His grace. I stray daily from my faith, my diet, the road, but never my husband. I could eat a whole dish of tiramisu and not feel guilty. I could knit a sweater with all the dog hair on my floor, if I swept it up, or knew how to knit. I am hanging on, holding out, and hoping for the best God has to offer.
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14 comments:
Sissy, you can't stop praying. You can't lose faith. I have been where you are...not infertility, but I have prayed and prayed for years for something and felt like giving up...and even got mad at God. Then just when I least expected it, God answered my prayer. As a matter of fact...He always answers..sometimes yes, sometimes no and sometimes just not right now. So please just remember things happen in His time, not ours.
Hope this helps.
I agree with Scrapper Mom. I keep trying to come up with more words for you, or a different angle, but I don't have any that seem good enough.
So sad you are in this lonely place right now. Please know that many others have walked through someplace like it too. Nothing wrong with crying, and looking for your happy ending. He will answer.
All I have to say is this. When I couldn't find the will to pray and felt like I could not ask for another thing I turned to my husband for help. I actually remember telling him and BEGGING HIM, "It's all on you right now. I need you to have enough strength and faith for both of us because right now mine is gone and I just hurt too bad. Can you do this for us please?" This was the day I started bleeding and I learned our first IVF failed.
In retrospect, I see that my faith wasn't gone. I still was asking Bird to carry on in prayer for us both. I just was too ...well you know because you're there. Once again, I'm here if you EVER need me.
I agree with scrapper mom too. I've been in areas where I have prayed for a long time. I never did get the outcome I original planned, but what I got was something better.
All I can encourage is to leave it to God- surrender all your preconceived notions and pray your mind to open to His will and plan
God wants to do extraordinary things in your life. Now, its not for me to say whether or not that includes a child - and you are not wrong for desiring children. Something Beth Moore published in Believing God has really spoken to me lately when I tend to doubt God's goodness:
* God IS who He says He is.
* God CAN do what He says He can do.
* I AM who God says I am.
* I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
* God's Word is alive and active in me.
I CHOOSE to trust God!
Be sad - you need to grieve this period because it would be hard (I have no idea just HOW hard). Question God - He's big enough to handle it. He loves you and so do I.
Can't wait to meet you and give you a big hug!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I know it may feel like you are, but you are not alone. There are many of us who have struggled with infertility, job insecurity and biggest of all Faith insecurity.
I love what Caroline says about God and faith - He has not changed. He longs to give His children good gifts. He has given you the desire for children - He will fulfill that desire!! He is not mean - when you ask for bread He doesn't give you a stone. He is I AM. He knows all about this - from before the creation of the world. AND . . . HE LOVES YOU. That's right you.
Been there and praying you through.
tamera in Missouri
First of all hugs from a fellow IFer...
I found your blog through "frizzy and bird's" post today... IF is such a hard road to travel and definitely tests your faith (I know it has mine).
Please know that you are in my prayers... and I look forward to following your journey...
Sissy, Thanks for honestly pouring out your heart. I KNOW your pain. It is so real. It breaks my heart to hear it and to feel it for you. I may not be a person you want to hear from at the moment, but at the risk of that, I want to encourage you. I know that after our struggle with infertility, which was over 18 months too (man, it's a long time, huh?) and then the joy of pregnancy followed by a devastating miscarriage, that I felt the same way. I think God wants us to be gut-wrenchingly honest with Him...even the yukky stuff. He is not too small. In the middle of me daring to pour out my true heart to Him, He really began to help me trust Him in new ways and to cling to His word and promises that He does have good plans for me and that He will bring me joy. Starting to pray His word and the promises that were there really encouraged me in deep ways beyond having my desires met. And in that, He did meet them, as I truly believe He will for you. I'm not saying that is the end all be all. Each day with this pregnancy, I have to wake up and decide if I am going to trust Him to take care of my baby and me...even if the worst happens again. It's a hard trust...it leads us through life and from strength to strength until the day we meet Him face to face. I am praying for you, and I will keep praying for you.
I don't know what to say, but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and I don't think God tests us and THEN if we've passed, have enough faith, say the right prayer etc, he'll look after us. Remember, even if it's hard to, that God loves you MORE than anyone else ever could.
Sending you lots of hugs. Came from Frizzy's to say Hi.
Much Love
Anissa
Pray without ceasing. He knows your heart Sissy. Oh HE knows your heart. HE put that desire in you! He is refining you and molding you. He does that with all of us in some way...almost always by trial. So don't lose heart. YOU will be a Mother. And one day you will have the most extraordinary journal of the Lord's faithfulness to give to that child when he/she reads your blog. It is okay to question WHEN OH LORD? WHY OH LORD? Just don't give up on the fact that HE does have a perfect plan for those that love HIM. In HIS TIME...IN HIS PERFECT TIME.
Much love to you my sweet sweet friend.
Sissy, I do not know what to say to ease your pain. He knows your prayer before you ever utter a word. He knows the desire of your heart is to be a Mother. However, you can NOT, you MUST not stop praying. He is THERE in the midst of your pain. He is there. The future is history to Him. He knows where this path will end even though you do not. We are here to encourage you and lift you up before Him. We will continue to do that even on the days that you can't find the strength. He is GOD! He is still GOD in the worst of circumstances and only He can carry you through. Hugs to you...
I am praying for you, Sissy. It's all I know to do.
I love you.
Can't wait to hang out on Wednesday.
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