Sunday, January 11, 2009

finding the good place

Over the past couple of days I have looked around at some infertility blogs, and there are many out there. Some are hopeful, some are mournful, some are downright depressing, and I don't blame these women at all. And these blogs are written by women; I haven't seen one written by a man. But in all the pages that I read, all the pleas that I absorbed, all the prayers that have been sent up, I realized several things about myself and this past year. I learned a lot about myself this year and about God's will for me. I learned so much about my husband and about how we both see the world. And I am in a good place.

I am now.

I was not always in this good place.

I would like to take some time to share what I learned. It might not all make sense, but if it can bring any comfort to anyone out there, I feel I should let it all out.

1. Infertility hurts. Well, I'm sure most of you are saying "duuh!" But you'd be surprised how much it hurts. It hurts your feelings, your body and your marriage. It's like a sneaky spy that infiltrates a succesful organization and takes over. You think about it all day. You take your temperature every morning and cross your fingers that today is THE day. And then you're depressed when it isn't. And your husband doesn't quite see it the same way. He moves on and you're stuck in the bathroom crying over the sink and wondering how the hell you got to be a woman that can't give her man a child.

2. People don't get it. Unless they've been there. Try as other people might, if you didn't have trouble getting pregnant, you can possibly get it. Men certainly have a hard time getting it, and I think it's because they don't share this intense drive to be a parent. And people that don't get it can be rude without knowing it, and you can be rude right back without meaning it either, except you do mean it.

3. If one more person tells you that you can always are gonna slap the nose off their face. And stomp away.

4. The drugs make you crazy. If you tried any kind of pharmecutical remedy for your infertility, then you know they make you tired, sick, emotional, stressed out, and on edge, which isn't the best thing for a person who's supposed to be relaxing and having sex.

5. Did we mention sex? Yeah, it ruins the sex.

Add that all up and it means one cranky, childless woman with a husband who is getting not-so-satisfying reproduction sex. It ain't fun. Here is the only bright spot, and it may take some doing to see it.

God can heal all that.

He can.

He can take that hurt, that rude person, that lackluster sex, that burning desire to be a mother and heal it. He can take it away if you ask Him to, and if you open your fists and give it up. The releasing it was the hard part for me, cause I was holding so tightly to getting pregnant, that I wasn't letting it go even as I was praying for His will. It turned out His will was different for me.

What is His will for you?

Are you reading this and still dealing with infertility? I am. But I know that He can do anything. He can get you pregnant. He can bring you a child through adoption. Or He can help you let it go. Only you know what His will for you is, and only you will have to come to terms with it. His will may not be exactly what you always pictured, but it will be His loving plan for you. A plan to bring you joy, not harm.

Everyone is in their own situation and knows their own life, but it often takes another person's perspective to jolt you out of the rut you might find yourself in. It took a good friend of mine asking why I was still trying something that wasn't working to get me to see that I wasn't seeing my own situation clearly. And that clarity has brought nothing but peace. His peace.

My prayer for you, all you childless women out there, is that you will find the path that brings you peace. If it is continuing to try various options to concieve, then take a breath, and know that one of these months it will happen. If it is adoption, then fill out those papers and wait for Him to bring you the child He always planned to place in your home. If it is not motherhood (and this one has to be hard to come to) then I pray you find peace in moving on.

In my own life, I have found peace in the paperwork. Adoption paperwork. That turned out to be our path. When I think back to the months I spent taking meds and charting my temperature, I wonder why it all felt so wrong. And for me it was. It may be the right path for you, I can't decide that. And whoever God choose to place in my arms, I will love.

Oh, and yeah, the sex is back. God can heal that too. Wink, wink.


Tamera said...

Great post!!! You hit it all "dead on". And your right, only God can do the healing. It is an uncomfortable place to be when you're angry with God - - but He's big enough to handle the anger - - then, he opens His arms and heals your heart.

I've been praying for you and will continue to.

Tamera in Missouri

Bird, Frizzy and Our Little Yaya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bird, Frizzy and Our Little Yaya said...

I love this post! EVERYTHING YOU SAID IS HOW I HAVE FELT. I know your words will help others experiencing what we have gone through ourselves.

Hope you don't mind but I have to tell someone.
Tonight we experienced another beautiful moment with Yaya that made that horribly long journey all worth while.

We were asking Yaya who is the boss, "Mommy or Daddy?" Yaya answered, "Yaya!" We laughed and asked, "Is Pappy or Nana the boss?" Again she answered, "Yaya!" But the best part came next. She said, "No...We're not a boss. We're a family!" I had to ask her to repeat what she said to be sure I understood her right. Sure enough, She called us a family. UNPROMPTED and COMPLETELY full of THOUGHT! I fell apart in tears of joy. She looked at me with concerned eyes and said, "What's wrong mommy?" I responded, "Nothing baby! Nothing! I am the happiest mommy in the world because we are a family." She smiled and gave me a huge hug and kiss.

I can't wait til you share a moment like this with your little one(s). Even better is when you share a moment like this with us

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post. I'm glad you have found your way in this. God's grace is new every morning and extends to deepest hurts and questions. Even though I haven't been down the same path I'm glad to be reminded of God's power in your life. It helps me remember what He can and will do in mine too. Your words are a blessing to everyone that reads them. Thanks.

And hey, congrats on that last part too. (wink wink)