Wednesday, May 20, 2009

it's been a long road from there to here

This was last week when we were practicing working with the carseat, before we knew that the baby wasn't coming home. My diaper bag was all packed and the nursery was all ready. That was last Wednesday.

Then my husband came home and told me the news about the change in our adoption status. I sat there and stared at the wall for about 10 minutes. Charlie was concerned that I was really ok, because I wasn't saying much and I wasn't reacting. Normally I am a crier, and I wasn't crying.

It's been a long week. In fact, today I realized it had been exactly a week since we found out the news, and that I expected to be bringing her home tomorrow. It's been a week of tears, of family, of prayers and comfort and chocolate peanut butter fudge ice cream. It's been seven days of realizing I don't really know how to get through this grieving process.

One irony is that we bought a new camera because we were having a new baby. I wanted to be all ready to take fantastic pictures, so we bought a Nikon fancy thing, and I love it.

I sat outside in our yard and took some photos. One of my favorite things in life is light coming through the trees. There is something magical for me about the way the late afternoon sunlight is golden and creates these amazing colors with leaves, and speckles the ground with pockets of sunshine. This is the natural part of our front yard and I stared at it for awhile.

I've been doing a lot of staring off into space. Please excuse me while my mind wanders, I think, when I catch myself doing it. Thinking about her.

Thinking pink. These are the hydrangeas we planted when the social worker was coming for our home study. We wanted the front porch to look nice and our other plants had not made it, since I often forget to water such things. And I love this picture, but it is a small reminder that I had something to look forward to when we bought these plants.

This is my 200 post. It has taken me a little over a year to write 200 letters to you all out in the blogosphere. I started blogging because I needed an outlet to deal with my emotions. Infertility takes so much out of a woman and I couldn't dump it all on my sweet husband. I wanted a place where I could put it out and let it hang. I made a rule with myself that I would never bad mouth my husband or my job (I didn't want to be one of those people who gets in trouble for what they write.) And I began to write.

I wanted to get it all out and share it and meet others who are on the same road, and I have. It has been 15 months of letting strangers into my world and opening myself up to their ideas and support. I do not know what I would do without the prayers and support, not only from the last couple of days, but from other days when I was down or heartbroken. I have made a little family, and while I know very few of you in real life, you are very real to me.

I wish I had a more upbeat post or a giveaway or something really special to share for this 200th post. But this is where I am at, and this is who I am right now. I am a tad heartbroken, but I am trying to trust God and move forward. This setback doesn't mean we won't have a baby, it just means we won't have one right now.

In the spirit of moving forward, these are centerpieces my mom and I did for a wedding coming up next weekend. Our friends Phil and Bethany are getting married, and Bethany chose a Tuscan theme for the ceremony and reception. And Bethany loves orange. Has always dreamed of having orange in her wedding. I know, it's certainly unique, but I love the way these centerpieces turned out. The wedding is going to be lovely and special and Charlie has to wear a tux, so YUM. I promise we will have pics to show off when all that is over, so you just sit back and wait.

There really isn't much more to say except that you have loved me as I am, and if you haven't, you aren't reading my blog. Those of you who do come back, I appreciate. Not just because you read and comment, but because I believe we lift each other up when we can. I am thankful that I started putting myself out there, and I will continue to do so, trusting that you all are going to be here, even when I am sad and grieving.

I'm Sissy, and I'm Out on a Limb.


Kristen said...

Sissy! I LOVE you and you're in my daily thoughts and prayers. God will provide and give you strength to get through this as he has so many times. I'm so glad to have you as a friend and you know I am here for you always!

Frizzy said...

I connected with you right away. You speak my own thoughts soooo many times. You get me inside and that is why I continue to come back. You don't know me. You don't write about me but almost always your feelings are feelings I too have felt in the journey to parenthood. I know it's soon to look forward to another baby but how does it work with your agency? Does your profile go back into the mix for birthmom's to choose from? Do they give you a period of time to grieve this loss before showing your profile again? I ask because sometimes the only way to move forward is to start planning and hoping once again. I love you and pray you find your smile again soon. You may not know or realize it yet but I think the key might be in the camera. Those pics are some of my absolute favorites of yours.

chickadee@afamiliarpath said...

sissy, i'm so sad for you, but this is just a time of grief for you. i know god has a plan for your family and i can't wait to hear all about it.

Rachel said...

We're here. And we love you.

Alison said...

Well I've known you for over half of my life, so I'll never stop reading! I admire your good attitude in a time of sorrow. The road is long and bumpy and how I wish it were easier for you. I pray for you often and know that one day your family will be complete. And oh, what a story you'll have to tell.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. Love you.

Lula! said...

Oh, Sissy...

I do not know what to say...except that I will be praying for y'all, as always. And I wish I were there to give you an enormous hug...and some peanut M&Ms, too.


Jennifer P. said...

ok---so I'm going to gather my strength and read the post where everything changes. But just have to let you know I am so, so, so sorry. Are there words? I can't think of any. I hate the system.

stefanie said...

Sissy, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm also a starer. Staring helps with grieving. Go ahead.

You are a strong, beautiful, amazing woman.

Pea Pod Mommy said...

I have continued to pray for you.

emily said...

well said. we are here, indeed.

And? the photos look great :) go new-to-you d80!