This week has actually been a pretty good week, with the exception of one tidbit. A woman at my work is pregnant. Now, don't get me wrong, that really is good news. For her. And I am happy for her. Really. I am. Don't I sound happy? No? I'll work on it.
I know that she didn't get pregnant to hurt me. I know that she didn't announce it to rub it in my face. I don't even know if she knows that I'm having trouble with infertility. I know all that. But it hurts me just a little. A little.
It is stupid and I am being overly sensitive. It really is great news for her, and I know it will be fun to watch her plan and pick out names and she really will be a cute pregnant woman. But I want it to be me. I am jealous. I want to be the one thinking about names and maternity leave and baby clothes and nursery decor. I want it to be me so badly.
Here is the kicker...they only tried for one month. ONE MONTH. ONE MONTH.
Pray for me. Please.
I get caught up in the want. I hurt and get jealous and I sin. I covet. I forget that I have what I need. That the Lord has provided me with a husband, a family, a house, a car, two dogs. And I am asking for more. For what I want. It is such an overwhelming want at times. Last week we went around to yard sales and all we saw we baby clothes and kids things. It seems to surround me and I see reminders everywhere. I want.
Help me to release the want and live in Him. Help me to see that I am already blessed beyond belief and that anything else would be gravy. Help me to graciously congratulate this friend and be a help to her these next seven months. Help me to know that it will be in Your time, Lord, not in mine. Let me see clearly.
I am a woman with more questions than answers. I am constantly searching, learning, decorating, loving and muddling my way through this life. I live under His grace. I stray daily from my faith, my diet, the road, but never my husband. I could eat a whole dish of tiramisu and not feel guilty. I could knit a sweater with all the dog hair on my floor, if I swept it up, or knew how to knit. I am hanging on, holding out, and hoping for the best God has to offer.
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7 comments:
Oh Sissy, I will pray for you.
I am so sorry. I wish I had some wisdom to impart. But...for me this is why I blog. To make connections with people...even people I don't "know" - but that will care about me and what I have to say...Who would have thought it would be easier to tell the whole world something rather than those in our everyday lives.
So...being "that" person...I will be thinking about you...
I will pray for you. Waiting on God's time is very poignant as you struggle with the fear that it won't be you. I know it gripped me. A paralyzing time that I've never shared with anyone - as Kat said. God Bless the internet, of all things.
I will pray for your strength and for your happiness. Perhaps He will use this refining time to help you become more like Jesus ... and to help someone {out here}. The Bible promises that He'll make it for good if we continue to trust Him.
Keep believin,' Sissy. And know that a prayer just this moment is headed to Heaven on your sweet, honest, authentic behalf.
I am so sorry. I know it must be hard for you. I understand the fellings you are feeling.
Stay strong. God has plans for us that we sometimes dont see or understand. and His plans are much better than we could ever hope for on our own.
Keep believin, Sissy. You WILL be a mother someday. You know that I am praying for you. Always.
Dear Sissy,
I am a lurker and I never comment---ever. I am not even sure how I ended up on your blog but you must know that God is good and has a plan for your life. I tried to have a baby for 7 years ( We named him Samuel) I have had every imaginable infertility thing done but nothing really worked. I know everything you are feeling. My advice is simple... love the life you are living because when you become a mother (and you will) you won't get to do the spontaneous things for a while. Take classes or workshops so you can impart wisdom to your children. Bible studies, wood working, gardening.......etc. We became pregnant after another laparoscopy and I had finally said no more. We prayed prostrate on the our living room floor and said, "Your will be done." And we meant it..before I really meant my will. We began to search adoption options or just being really good "youth church" people. A little while later, we were pregnant. I have endometriosis and I don't ovulate well..I hope this helps. Samuel is 8 and Abigail is 6.
I can so empathize with you. I never had any problems getting pregnant, but I know the unintentional hurt people cause when they have something you so desperately, and righteously, want. To see husbands rubbing their wives backs in church, or see a woman mulling over ties at the Target. How I want to be able to do those things again. But, just like you, I'll give the Lord sufficient enough time to do a miracle in my life. Though this life seems so painfully long, it will seem like the twinkle of an eye in the next life---where nothing that will bring us joy will be held back from us.
Know that you're in my prayers.
And I L-O-V-E your door by the way! Genius !!!
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