I love comments. Who doesn't? I think it is nice to have other women support me in what I cheesily call my "time of need." These past couple of months have been hard, really hard. My job has been a challenge, the baby plan has not gone smoothly and my heart has been broken. Into many, many pieces. I like a plan and this has not gone according to what I planned out. I posted about a pregnant friend, and it was all about me. I hurt. And I want. I have nursery furniture picked out. I have made friends at my job, and I do it well. I am the one without confidence, self-esteem and joy.
Notice how many times I've said "I."
Many, many times. Too many.
But God doesn't care about "I." Well, that isn't true. He cares about me. He does. But he wants me to submit to His will. He wants me to prayerfully consider His plan for my life. He wants me to become the person He destined me to be. He knows my heart, and He knows it hurts.
But what touched me the most was a comment I got from Leigh. It was so sweet of her to come out from Lurkdom to leave me these kind words. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this (she did post it, so I assume it's public.)
I am a lurker and I never comment---ever. I am not even sure how I ended up on your blog but you must know that God is good and has a plan for your life. I tried to have a baby for 7 years ( We named him Samuel) I have had every imaginable infertility thing done but nothing really worked. I know everything you are feeling. My advice is simple... love the life you are living because when you become a mother (and you will) you won't get to do the spontaneous things for a while. Take classes or workshops so you can impart wisdom to your children. Bible studies, wood working, gardening.......etc. We became pregnant after another laparoscopy and I had finally said no more. We prayed prostrate on the our living room floor and said, "Your will be done." And we meant it..before I really meant my will. We began to search adoption options or just being really good "youth church" people. A little while later, we were pregnant. I have endometriosis and I don't ovulate well..I hope this helps. Samuel is 8 and Abigail is 6.
I can't tell you that my life will ever be perfect. Or that I will have babies. I want to have babies, and my personality strives for perfection, but that might not be His will for my life. I have to learn to let go and let Him do His work in my life. I have to learn whatever lesson I can from this, trust in Him, and move on. I have to live and breathe, pray and learn and be still in Him.
So, thank you Leigh, for sharing your life and story. I was so touched by your words. You have been there, and know how it feels. I'd like to think we'd be friends if we knew each other in real life.
Yes, I'd like to think so. Ha ha.