Wednesday, May 14, 2008

out of lurkdom

I love comments. Who doesn't? I think it is nice to have other women support me in what I cheesily call my "time of need." These past couple of months have been hard, really hard. My job has been a challenge, the baby plan has not gone smoothly and my heart has been broken. Into many, many pieces. I like a plan and this has not gone according to what I planned out. I posted about a pregnant friend, and it was all about me. I hurt. And I want. I have nursery furniture picked out. I have made friends at my job, and I do it well. I am the one without confidence, self-esteem and joy.

Notice how many times I've said "I."

Many, many times. Too many.

But God doesn't care about "I." Well, that isn't true. He cares about me. He does. But he wants me to submit to His will. He wants me to prayerfully consider His plan for my life. He wants me to become the person He destined me to be. He knows my heart, and He knows it hurts.

But what touched me the most was a comment I got from Leigh. It was so sweet of her to come out from Lurkdom to leave me these kind words. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this (she did post it, so I assume it's public.)

I am a lurker and I never comment---ever. I am not even sure how I ended up on your blog but you must know that God is good and has a plan for your life. I tried to have a baby for 7 years ( We named him Samuel) I have had every imaginable infertility thing done but nothing really worked. I know everything you are feeling. My advice is simple... love the life you are living because when you become a mother (and you will) you won't get to do the spontaneous things for a while. Take classes or workshops so you can impart wisdom to your children. Bible studies, wood working, gardening.......etc. We became pregnant after another laparoscopy and I had finally said no more. We prayed prostrate on the our living room floor and said, "Your will be done." And we meant it..before I really meant my will. We began to search adoption options or just being really good "youth church" people. A little while later, we were pregnant. I have endometriosis and I don't ovulate well..I hope this helps. Samuel is 8 and Abigail is 6.

I can't tell you that my life will ever be perfect. Or that I will have babies. I want to have babies, and my personality strives for perfection, but that might not be His will for my life. I have to learn to let go and let Him do His work in my life. I have to learn whatever lesson I can from this, trust in Him, and move on. I have to live and breathe, pray and learn and be still in Him.

So, thank you Leigh, for sharing your life and story. I was so touched by your words. You have been there, and know how it feels. I'd like to think we'd be friends if we knew each other in real life.

Yes, I'd like to think so. Ha ha.


Debbie said...

What a sweet sweet post...Glad that the Lord prompted someone that you wouldn't have met in everyday life to share her story with you. God is good.

Hunny Bee May said...

I'm glad Leigh was there with what you needed. I'm sorry I can't relate to this part of your life. I don't have any experience to share in this situation. One thing I can say though is that I wish I had learned the submission thing before I had children. I wish I could say like Leigh that those blessings came after I learned that lesson and submitted to His will. How much simpler some things would have been. What a better life I could have given my son in those early years had I been willing to lay down my own will. There would have been a lot less pain and fighting in my home at that time. I would change all of that if I had the chance.
Leigh has a lot of wisdom. I'm thankful that she spoke up.

Illoura said...

I have only just opened your blog (came from another blog who listed yours) and read of your (so identifiable) christian struggle with having kids.
I am done raising kids now (the last ones at home are twins, 19). It took me 7 years to have my 1st one, and 2 miscarriages before the twins... but I always knew God works all things together for our good... whatever happens is for the best, somehow. I think we're all on that journey to find our right place with God, and I think you're on the right path with that, (even tho' it can be strewn with pits and detours, and boulders that wreak havoc with your emotions).
The one thing I wanted to express to you is that I've seen over and over and over and over in so many BIG ways, that God seems to answer my biggest most emotionally pressing needs almost always IMMEDIATELY after I completely give them up (and finally hand them completely over). Why that works out in such a way is probably as theological as it is the 'natural order' of things, but it's unfailing.
Give it all to Him and he'll come thru with your hearts' desire. (I'm sure he gives us most of our desires in the first place)!
Thank you for baring your soul - we should all be as bold.

Susie Harris said...

I cant say that I know how you feel about a baby but I do know how its feels when you want something so bad and it doesnt happen. Boy that was a long sentence. I prayed for my brother to live 6 years ago. He passed away a week later. I felt so betrayed by my God. Sometimes its ok to be mad or sad when we dont get our way. God knows our heart. He made us for heaven's sake. When you put him first it makes it all so much easier to bear. I will say a prayer for you and your husband. God's will be done! Take care, Susie

The Roost'er said...

We, as women, can be so hard on ourselves, can't we? We, out here in {computer land}, can tell that you are bold, authentic, creative, and faithful.

God blesses His faithful followers. I participated in a Bible study last winter that revealed the sweet ability of songbirds to sing their tune while rain drenches their little feathers. You are like those songbirds with your blog --- you show us that you can be strong and faithful while you struggle with Your Rain. To that end, you are being 'Jesus on the Streets.'

Thank you for your faithful servanthood, as you live the daily grind of challenges. And support all the rest of us out here with our own blogs.

You have touched my life with your sweetness. And may you continue to be blessed by women who visit your blog and are touched by your humble honesty.

God Bless.

Evi said...

Stopping by here on your blog has been a nice new blessing for me. I used to make friends so easily and now the journey of my life has left me in a place where I really struggle. I really appreciate that we can maintain a level of privacy/intimacy with each other. It would not be as easy to tell so many people whom you don't know in a different public setting. We have sought each other out and God has also directed some of us to each other through this media. He knows...He provides. I am so glad that He sent you Leigh when you needed to hear her words. So many of you have also provided the words for me that I needed to hold my chin up.
I hold you in my prayers.

Lula! said...

I've officially added you to my prayer journal. And I echo Debbie when I say this was inded a sweet, sweet post. Thanks for sharing. God is good.

Shannon said...

Thanks for posting Leigh's comment. I was encouraged by it because we have been trying for almost 2 years to get pregnant. We took a 4 month break and are about to get back into all of it. I'll be praying for you!