Monday, February 16, 2009

have you seen my umbrella?

Even though I love Valentine's Day, this past month has been hard on me. I find myself in the middle of a slump. An honest-to-goodness series of days where I have been down in the dumps. And I can lay the blame on several things: my health, the adoption stuff and the season. And while I can recognize that I am indeed in a slump, it's hard to find the motivation to dig myself out. Or to trust that someone else can.

I deal with overactive bladder and I take medication for it. It's a syndrome that can really mess with your mind, because you don't have control. And unlike being infertile, where I also had to release control, this is more urgent and more on my mind. If you had to pee all day, everyday, you wouldn't be full of sunshine either. I don't sleep well, cause I have to pee. I hate riding in the car, cause I have to pee. Going to the movies can be stressful, cause, guess what? I have to pee. Most of the time the medication works. But then I go through these times when it just doens't seem effective and I am stressed out.

The adoption stuff has been great, but it is a ton of work. And though we are really almost finished with this portion of it, then we will begin the waiting game, which I am not looking forward to at all.

This season is a very busy time at school, and I have several major events coming up, and since I am not well rested (cause I have to pee) I am not getting things done like I would like. Sometimes my mind wanders while I am at my desk and I will find that ten minutes have gone by without my notice. Unlike last year, when my job was in jeopardy, this year is just filled with all the things I need to do at work, and then I think about the scrapbook I need to work on for birthmothers to look at and the form I need to get done and all I want to do is put on my pajamas and watch Friends.

I have not cleaned my house in two weeks. The dog hair is piling up.

I need to paint my bathroom for the social worker to see, but I need a new mirror and don't have the funds to get one right now, so the painting will wait. And the can sits on my island.

I have not been to the grocery store in two weeks and I have not planned my dinner menu and I don't know what we're having for dinner and I love to cook, so I am bummed about this. I like to plan, and I have not.

I am weary. I feel like I am in the middle of a stormcloud and I can't find my umbrella.

I think back and I know I posted about this some other time. About how when things get us down it is hard to trust and know that God is with us. I know that this is the time I need to trust Him more. And give it more to Him to handle. I think about other bloggers who have it much worse ( and I know you are out there.) I have not lost my job. I do not have a serious disease. My marriage is not falling apart. We have the funds to adopt. I am not losing my house.

Why can't I celebrate?

Why can't I thank God for the things I have? Why don't I get up off my behind and praise His name, and vacuum at the same time?

Pray that I can. Pray that I will. Pray that this season of grumps will turn into a season of sun. Offer me some advice. Send me an email to lighten my load. Cook me wait, that's a little too much. Just pray for me.

Excuse me now, I gotta pee.


Vicki Clifton said...

Hi, I don't know you. I read your blog because it's similar to the title of my own blog...Out on a limb with the Clifton's. I struggle with depression/bipolar disorder. I understand the feelings you are going through although I don't do as well articulating them! :) Know that you are not ALONE! I have prayed for you when I read your blog about your adoption etc. We were going to adopt 4 kids we knew two years ago, but we were second on the list and didn't get picked. I hope that never happens to you and I've been praying that it will go well. I know all the's overwhelming. You are blessed but when you're struggling you don't want to seem ungrateful...but you just need help. I understand. I hope your week goes much better. It's been a tough day for me too! :) I pray for you.

Anonymous said...

I will gladly cook for you. Just let me know. If not we can always get together for a Friends-a-thon or just a girls night. Chin up the sun will come out and you can ditch the umbrella permanently.
Love and miss you,

Bird, Frizzy and Our Little Yaya said...

I am sorry to hear what you're going through. I too have been there more times than I can count or like to admit. All of what you're dealing with is hard! It's stressful! It's crazy to imagine all you have to go through to adopt a child. I get it because I got depressed too. I felt like my whole life was an open book and I was just waiting for someone to find fault with me or us as a couple. It irked me to watch the news and see how people abused their rights as birthparents by not cherrishing their children through abuse or neglect stories. They were never asked to offer all that info and attend parenting classes but because I couldn't birth a child of my own I had to. All of these things on top of your bladder trouble and the winter weather are enough to make you want to crawl into bed and watch Friends. I still do as like for you they bring me joy even now. Hang in there. I'll pray for you. Just take one step at a time.

Scrapper Mom said...

Sissy, I don't know if there is anything I can say that will make you feel better, but I can say that I frequently feel the same "slump". I can't explain it. I am so blessed with so many wonderful things, and yet, I can always find something that will pull me down. Sometimes, it seems like I want to be grumpy. I don't understand it myself. I'm sure you've read plenty of my blog posts about these days!! lol.

You keep your head up girl. I love ya even though I don't know ya!!

And that is NOT a very smart image to use on your post (you know..for someone that always has to

Anonymous said...

I'll help you look on the bright side...if you adopt a girl, having to pee all the time will be very convenient. I have two girls and while they were growing up, we had to visit the bathroom of every single store or house that we went to, no matter if they had just peed five minutes before we got there. I began to think my children had a bathroom fetish. Thankfully, they have outgrown that particular issue...only to replace it with other, bigger ones. Sigh. Maybe that wasn't as cheerful as I intended. :) I believe you are in dire need of Sunshine! Hang on, it's coming!

Hunny Bee said...

Honey, someone told me recently that my Spring is coming. I needed that. I need Spring. So do you. Yours is coming too! Life is going to blossom and grow and new life is going to sprout up in places in yourself you never expected. Wait patiently on the Lord. Rest in Him. You are at peace whether you feel it or not. Put on the full armour of God and then stand firm in the knowlege that He is at work and you are in His hands.
Thanks for always stopping by and encouraging me. You're like my best bloggy friend!

Biteofpunkinpie said...

Can I make a recommendation on the mirror thing? See, when we were remodeling our bathroom, the mirror that was in there was horrible and when I started shopping for mirrors, I was appalled (sp?) at the cost of a new one. A Hundred Bucks? For a MIRROR? We're basically talking glass and a frame, right?

One day I was at my local Walmart in the FRAME/wall decor aisle and they had this really tacky (but big) gold framed mirror. I think the gold even had really gross looking brown speckles. Anywho, 1 bottle of craft paint, a foam applicator, and some blue painters tape and it was transformed. Was it designer? No. Was it my ultimate perfect dream? Definitely not. Did it totally work for the room and my budget (total project was 11 dollars)? YES!

Mommy said...

I just started the study Believing God facilitated by Beth Moore. It is "in my face--screaming at the top of His lungs--in my face". The basis of the study is believe IN God but do you BELIEVE God? I am struggling with many of the very same things you are struggling with right now. You are not alone. This is one of her studies that you can do online if you are interested. I truly believe it was divinely appointed for this season of my life. Perhaps it might be of some comfort to you also. Hugs-M

Becca said...

I am an over-simplifier by nature. Whenever I get down, I try to remember all of the good things in my life. I also try to remember that things could always be worse. Hopefully one or both of those will help...even a little!

Jamie said...

I can relate. I've been dealing with some down in the dump feelings too. This weekend I felt so depressed and couldn't figure out why. It's frustrating when you feel like you have every reason to rejoice and no motivation to do it. Hang in there girl. I'm trying to figure it all out too.