Sunday, July 27, 2008

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to...

You know how life can just really get you down sometimes? I know you do. And you know how it feels when someone close to you rejects you? I know you've been there, too.

That's how I feel about infertility.

Like I have been rejected from the secret motherhood club. Like I'm not good enough. That I didn't pass the test and so I haven't been given a baby. Like how I flunked my Driver's Test the first time. Like I don't qualify.

And then you think about adoption and all the steps you go through there. They come and inspect you too. And I know why they do that, but...

And I know I am whiny. And I know I am having my own little pity party here. And I am getting it out in print, so my poor husband doesn't have to deal with his mess of a wife for too long. And I am starting another round of the drugs cause you gotta keep going. And I bought a basal thermometer so I can chart my temperature.

Basically, I am going to keep going.

I cried this morning in church and the lady who prayed for me said God put the desire in my heart for a reason.

So, on to happier things. Hold on, I gotta go find some.

In the meantime, who wants to buy me a chai latte and watch Friends with me?


Kat said...

I am so happy to buy you all the chai you can drink. I will happily distract you with decorating projects and Friends re-runs. I'm just a few hundred miles away :-)

chickadee said...

my heart is heavy for you. i hate that so many people struggle with this when they desire a baby so badly. i will pray for you that god will give you the desire of your heart.

Caroline said...

Its so hard to understand the reasons for some people not being able to conceive easily or at all, and how some just look at their husbands and they're pregnant. I wish I could fix it for you, but I can't. I would come to hang out with you though, since we're so close. We should plan a get together with Emily, since I know her too. Let's work on that, what do you think?

At Home Redesigns said...

Hang in there. I went through the same thing and my heart goes out to you.

Nichole and Scott said...

Hi! I want you to know you are not alone in your feelings. I too have felt that way more times than I can count. I too have had infertility problems. I too had to decide when enough was enough re. In Vitro and attempting to have a child of my own. All I can say is this...adopting is the BEST THING I EVER DID! I'm not going to tell you it wasn't hard. Hard letting people into my home to "INSPECT" my husband and I and our histories. "Questioning" every move we have made and feeling we have had as a result. I know how you feel because I too have been there. If you EVER WANT TO CHAT CALL ME! 916-966-6153INFERTILITY CAN BE A VERY LONELY PLACE AT TIMES. Especially when you're on so many hormones to "help" the process along. You my my dear are in my prayers. Your husband too. My husband and I used to say we were members of the secret InVitro club and that we felt like we wore Scarlet I's instead of A's for adultury. Then, we chose to adopt and joined an entire new Secret Society who wore another kind of A for adoption. No matter what you and your husband choose or how you feel YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am here for you and I know my husband would be happy to talk to yours if he wants to. It's hard on them too though we women don't see it that way at times. Maybe it's time for me to complete my story on my blog rather than just the opening for those who may choose to ask. My name is Nichole and I am anable to have children of my own.

Lula! said...

We will watch every single episode of every single season of Friends...and I'll do my happy dance when Chandler quotes KC and the Sunshine Band. And we'll need all those chais to keep us wide awake for this fun fest.

I am praying for you, in the meantime. Thanks for being so open and candid...

Becky said...

That woman was absolutely right. The desire is in your heart for a reason.

I've known of several people who wanted children and tried for years to no avail. They finally adopted, and lo and behold the Lord opened their wombs and they were able to conceive a couple of birth children as well.

There is also an eating plan I've heard of from a book...seems to me the title was PCOS and Infertility that I've heard of people recommending around bloggyville. I know of a gal that went totally whole foods (her husband with her...which was his other contribution in the process...supporting her wholeheartedly through the whole trying to conceive journey...and after just a couple of months of eating only whole foods (lots of colorful veggies and salads and 100% whole grains and such), she conceived, and went on to have three children.

Keep at it! God's timing is always perfect.

Judy Haley (coffeejitters) said...

I'm right there with you.

Rebekah said...

Im so sorry you have to struggle through this.

I understand wanting to have your 'own' child- but I look at being able to adopt a child as an even bigger blessing- to provide a loving home for a child that doesn't have one- what a blessing for God to use you that way.

Years ago, before all these fertility drugs, I knew a family that couldnt get pregnant. They adopted a little girl- and then what-a-ya-know, they got pregnant. Not only did they have one healthy pregnancy, they went on to have FIVE.

So there is hope- Hope in GOD. He gave you the desire, let Him fill it in the way He desires. Relax and have faith. I know that is sometimes easier said than done- but HE is Giver and Lover

Hunny Bee May said...

Sissy, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way though it seems perfectly normal to me. Obviously I can't relate in the same way but my heart goes out to you and I agree with the woman at church. God knows your heart and desires...He helped put them there and make you the woman you are. And He saves every tear in a bottle, they are so precious to Him.
A friend told me once when I was going through a very bad time in life that even though I didn't have faith for myself to get through it, she did. So she would just have faith for me since I couldn't muster it up on my own. That took such a weight off my shoulders. I let my friends help carry my burdens and they got so much lighter.
You are in many prayers now and we will just wait see what happens. But God is God and His will for you is perfect. That you can believe in.
I would love to have coffee and watch friend. My husband doesn't like either! So here's wishing you lots of yummy lattes and excellent Friends re-runs! And maybe a good cry if you still need it. It's okay. I'll bring the tissues.

Biteofpunkinpie said...

oh honey.... i do not know what it is like, i do not know the pain you are feeling, but i am sorry you are going through it. i am a secret lurker of your blog, so i hope you don't mind me jumping in at this point, but i just love what your friend at church said to you... it is ok to cry, b/c what you are dealing with is real and it is hard. wherever God is leading you in this journey, i know there will be so many moments of such great joy that all of the hardship now will be understood, and you'll find that it was so worthwhile. don't lose sight of when that time will come to you and remember that the struggles will be worth the hurting.

if you need any help with interpreting your fertile signs, hit me up on my blog. i help women with this for a living, so i would be glad to offer my 2 cents.

hang in there.

Scrapper Mom said...

I just have no idea how you are feeling, for I have never been through anything like this, but I do know that God will give you the desires of your heart. Keep praying. I know from my own experience in the prayer department, that sometimes our time is not His time.

This is kinda corny, but this came to my mind. Chin up, Chin up, Everybody loves a happy face. Wear it, Share it, It'll brighten up the darkest place. Twinkle, Sparkle. Let a little sunshine in. You'll be on the right side, looking at the bright side. Up with you chinny, chin, chin.

Compliments of Charlotte's Web!

Mommy said...

I will not pretend to understand because I don't. What I CAN do is pray that you will find the road to your baby...wherever that road may lead. I think the desire of your heart is to be a Mother. Period. In whatever way that title comes to you, it will be a miracle. I've said it before and I'll say it is not biology that makes a is love.


Evi said...

I feel so silly and un'entitled' to suggest this ...that this will be the month...but I think we have to live with hope. EVERYDAY. This is gonna be the period...I just believe that.
Can a person 'wire' a chai latte like flowers?...I'm going to check it out!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

I'm not good with comforting words, I'm better with sarcasm, which isn't what's called for here.

I do, however, love friends, and would happily buy you whatEVER drink would make your little heart happy.

Anonymous said...

God does place a desire in our hearts for a reason. SOmetimes the path we take to get there is different than we would have chosen, but the end result is the same.

My close friends struggled for years. They are now the proud parents of a beautiful little girl that they were blessed through adoption. There were still heartbreaking challenges during their adoption, but God was faithful to their desire and He held them during the process.

He holds you, too. Praying for you. -- Brandi

Alison said...

I'm a firm believer in the pity party. You're allowed to be sad and it's your can whine all you want. I certainly can't blame you.
Hard times are just plain sucky.
And I'm sad for you. I wish I could fix it.
If you were closer I'd buy us each a chai latte because that sounds really good right now. We can gripe together. And watch Friends. And laugh at the episode where Phoebe runs with her arms flailing. Oh and the one where they do the trivia game and have to switch apartments. Ms. Chanandler Bong.

Wow, I'm really no help at all.
Just know that I'm thinking of you and have hope that one day you'll have that happy ending. Just like Chandler and Monica.

Big hugs,

emily said...

It's totally a date. Chai tea, Friends...I'm so there.

Debbie said...

Sissy, I am so sorry I missed this post. I can't keep up lately and am missing out on my homey's. I will continue to pray for you, my sweet friend.