Saturday, August 2, 2008

which path?

Many of you have commented or email and have supported me in this season of searching and wanting. I thought I might address a couple things and really lay my heart out there for you all to see in regards to our wishes in starting a family. I know, like I could be more open? But anyway, I feel like I should share where I am in this moment. Pills and hormones aside.

Let's back up.

When I was single I never thought I would have children. It just didn't seem like that's where I was headed. I liked children, but I always felt more comfortable around teenagers. I taught at a high school and was able to be a big sister to the teens that entered my classroom, and that felt right to me. I even considered donating my eggs on time so that other women (infertile women, how ironic) could have babies. I never did it, obviously.

Also, I have to share that I have had a long inbred fear of childbirth. Seriously. I mean, I know, most women don't really look forward to it, but aren't so fearful about it as I am. Even in this quest to get pregnant, I would like to think that they could get the baby out of me without any pushing or pulling or surgery. Maybe my uterus has an escape hatch or something.

So I thought about adoption. Actually, it just seemed like something I would be drawn to. A way to have babies without childbirth. Sounds good. Rescuing a child from another parentless fate sounded like something my heart was made for. Offering a home to a child in need, and no scary hospital stay. Sign me up, right?

I met Charlie and we dated and I told him how I felt about it being pregnant and adoption. It seemed important that he know where I stood on having kids. Some men don't want to consider adoption. Little by little though, as I would look at Charlie, my mind started to change. Wouldn't it be lovely to have a little child with his hair and my unique eyes? I shared this with him and I think he was happy about it. Charlie is like the Pied Piper when it comes to kids. They flock to him and he was once a Children's Pastor. He is able to talk to little kids and they just think he is so neat.

So we got married. And two Christmases later I told him I was ready to start trying. He asked me to wait a little longer. It was a drag, but ok. We waited another 7 months and started trying last July. I was diagnosed with PCOS that same month at my yearly OB-GYN appointment and my doctor told me it was unlikely I would get pregnant without help given the history of my menstrual cycle.

Thus began the journey we are on right now.

Many of you have mentioned adoption in your comments and emails. I have several friends that have experienced that joy both domestically and internationally, and I know it is a happy ending. What I would like to say is that we are not there yet.

I don't consider adoption to be my second choice.

Even as a single gal, I had adoption placed in my heart. And it might be that it was placed there by the Creator of all Things, who knew my body inside and out.

In this season, I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Trying this with my own body.

But, I continue to seek God's will and His path for my life, my marriage and my family. How long He has placed us on this path, I don't know.

So, for those of you who have continued to encourage me, pray for me, and support me...keep that thought in your prayer. That Charlie and I will continue to seek His will for our family and know if the time comes for us to change our strategy. Let Him give us a "baseball bat" over the head (as Nichole said) and know what is in store for us.

And I thank God that He gave me a husband that is flexible about how our family is put together. I am blessed in that regard. My husband isn't worried about it being genetically his baby, and what a gift He/he gave me in that!

Just some thoughts I wanted to share. Hope I didn't bring you down on this lovely Saturday, but I just wanted to let you all see where we were at and on this path.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans of peace and not harm, to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11


Tamera said...

Beautifully written and well-expressed. As I have said earlier, God will either take your desire for children away, or fulfill that desire (how ever He has fore-planned - biologically, adoption, whatever!) He does know the plans for you - not to harm you (or give you a desire then un-fulfill it), but to prosper you (He sets the lonely in families - He makes the barren a happy mother of many) and give you a hope (remember Luke 1:36-67?) and a future!
I'm going though "the wilderness" in something totally unrelated - but we will BOTH continue to rely on God's timing (but doncha wish we knew when??? =])
I'll continue to pray for God's leading in however He chooses to lead.
Your sister in Christ,
Tamera in Missouri

Nichole and Scott said...

Sissy, You should know I had the exact same fear as you re. childbirth. I too have always felt the desire to adopt. I always thought it was due to fear of the pain. I still recall the day I told my girlfriend Carrie in Jr. High that I wasn't going to have a child of my own. I was going to adopt because there are already millions of kids in the world who need a home. I remember this statement/declaration if you will as if it was yesterday. After Scott told me he was willing to have a family I bought a children's book on adoption. WHY? I Don't know at that time I told myself it was for my nieces. I know God has been working in my heart and mind for years re. His plan for me to adopt Nevaeh and possibly others. You too will know His plan for you when the time is right. I know how hard it is waiting until the time that it is revealed but I will tell you this. YOU WILL NEVER DOUBT HIS REASONS AGAIN ONCE HIS PLAN IS REVEALED! He has great plans for you and your child. Write letters or do what ever it takes to help you release some of your sorrow now. I kept a journal of all the prayers and letters poems I sent and received to someday present to our child. I never want her to go a day w/o knowing how much she was wanted and or loved even before she was in our life. I can't wait to see what God has planned for you and your husband. Stay in touch and thank you too for sharing with me/us.

Sarah said...

Hey Sissy,

I had to catch up on about 10 days of your blog since I was at the beach last week and away the week before that.

Two things- I LOVE what you are doing to your house. I am in total agreement with you about using the summer to do some fun home projects. You are so creative and I happen to love your blue bathroom. I think you and I must be keeping the home improvement stores in business this summer! Looking great. I am glad you have a creative outlet like I is so fun.

As for the week you've had with the baby hopes and letdowns with good ole AF, I am so sorry and I send you a huge hug. Clomid makes me totally crazy and I dont even take that much of it. It is like PMS on steroids as if just the letdown of AF and another month of waiting is not enough. Feel free to cry, girl. I know all the things people say are true, but unless they have stood in these shoes, it is hard to know what it feels like to not work in the way you are supposed to work, and to want to have a child with the man you love so bad but have it not happen again and again. Cry when you need to and then remind yourself (or have good, trusted friends) remind you of truth and hope. I am praying for you.

emily said...

I consider it such an honor to have known the high school teacher Sissy who didn't want to face childbirth and giddy girl Sissy who fell in love with Charlie and now Mothers Heart Sissy who wants to have a baby. Thanks for giving us more of a peek into your heart. Love you.

Parul Patel said...

I just see a god blog for infertility

You must visit it..



Mommy said...

Prayers for you (in whatever way He has planned for you and your hubby) as you walk this road.

Heather said...

I wish this journey was easier for you and that God's will and His lessons would just pop right out and be obvious.

Rebekah said...

Amen, Sistah. Great scripture!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being so open. I'll be in prayer for you as you continue to follow God's path for your family.

-- Brandi

Anonymous said...

I just happened to find your blog by accident.-- now, I am not so sure it was an accident.

I too have PCOS. I went through the infertility stages. Stress-crying-hormonal-anger-tired of all the poking and it could go on and on. To make a long story short-we have an adopted son and I am a PCOS overcomer to my daugher with the help of meds. So, I do know both worlds.
It's always helpful to know someone that went through this because they/I DO understand.
Prayers and hugs coming your way.

Jennifer P. said...

Someday, somehow, someway we will be given every righteous desire of our hearts and so much joy we will simply not have room enough to recieve it. I know how hard passing the time till the "somes" come can be, but rest in the Lord and He will help you endure it.

Remembering you in my prayers often!

Bella's momma said...

This was beautifully written.

I believe that waiting and seeking is as improtant and at times so much harder than actually doing!!!

Debbie said...

You know I am praying for you. And I am praying God's will for your life. You are doing the right thing Sissy by putting it all in the hands of the only one that knows the outcome. And whatever that outcome is, it will be perfect for you and Charlie.