Many of you have commented or email and have supported me in this season of searching and wanting. I thought I might address a couple things and really lay my heart out there for you all to see in regards to our wishes in starting a family. I know, like I could be more open? But anyway, I feel like I should share where I am in this moment. Pills and hormones aside.
Let's back up.
When I was single I never thought I would have children. It just didn't seem like that's where I was headed. I liked children, but I always felt more comfortable around teenagers. I taught at a high school and was able to be a big sister to the teens that entered my classroom, and that felt right to me. I even considered donating my eggs on time so that other women (infertile women, how ironic) could have babies. I never did it, obviously.
Also, I have to share that I have had a long inbred fear of childbirth. Seriously. I mean, I know, most women don't really look forward to it, but aren't so fearful about it as I am. Even in this quest to get pregnant, I would like to think that they could get the baby out of me without any pushing or pulling or surgery. Maybe my uterus has an escape hatch or something.
So I thought about adoption. Actually, it just seemed like something I would be drawn to. A way to have babies without childbirth. Sounds good. Rescuing a child from another parentless fate sounded like something my heart was made for. Offering a home to a child in need, and no scary hospital stay. Sign me up, right?
I met Charlie and we dated and I told him how I felt about it being pregnant and adoption. It seemed important that he know where I stood on having kids. Some men don't want to consider adoption. Little by little though, as I would look at Charlie, my mind started to change. Wouldn't it be lovely to have a little child with his hair and my unique eyes? I shared this with him and I think he was happy about it. Charlie is like the Pied Piper when it comes to kids. They flock to him and he was once a Children's Pastor. He is able to talk to little kids and they just think he is so neat.
So we got married. And two Christmases later I told him I was ready to start trying. He asked me to wait a little longer. It was a drag, but ok. We waited another 7 months and started trying last July. I was diagnosed with PCOS that same month at my yearly OB-GYN appointment and my doctor told me it was unlikely I would get pregnant without help given the history of my menstrual cycle.
Thus began the journey we are on right now.
Many of you have mentioned adoption in your comments and emails. I have several friends that have experienced that joy both domestically and internationally, and I know it is a happy ending. What I would like to say is that we are not there yet.
I don't consider adoption to be my second choice.
Even as a single gal, I had adoption placed in my heart. And it might be that it was placed there by the Creator of all Things, who knew my body inside and out.
In this season, I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Trying this with my own body.
But, I continue to seek God's will and His path for my life, my marriage and my family. How long He has placed us on this path, I don't know.
So, for those of you who have continued to encourage me, pray for me, and support me...keep that thought in your prayer. That Charlie and I will continue to seek His will for our family and know if the time comes for us to change our strategy. Let Him give us a "baseball bat" over the head (as Nichole said) and know what is in store for us.
And I thank God that He gave me a husband that is flexible about how our family is put together. I am blessed in that regard. My husband isn't worried about it being genetically his baby, and what a gift He/he gave me in that!
Just some thoughts I wanted to share. Hope I didn't bring you down on this lovely Saturday, but I just wanted to let you all see where we were at and on this path.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans of peace and not harm, to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
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