Do you ever feel like that? Unnoticed? Trying your hardest for a little sunshine and attention, but the branches of the tree are so large and so high up that you can't even find the tiniest sliver of light? I throw myself a pity party every once in awhile, whining about "why me?" and "Isn't my life hard enough already?" It's not healthy, but we all end up there every once in awhile. Wanting to know why things aren't going our way, when most of the time we're just victims of circumstance, not some evil plot to make us hurt. If you have been a reader for any length of time, you know that we are going through the adoption process. You might know I have interstitial cystitis, a bladder disorder that is completely miserable at times. You might know that I have had a hard time with my job a year ago, and struggled through improving myself. You may know we were matched with a birthmother who changed her mind about placing the baby for adoption after the baby was born.
All these things add up to pain and suffering. I have every right to want to sit in my home and cry. But I don't. I choose to get up everyday and live my life and try to be the best wife, daughter and employee I can be. Somedays that's harder than others.
My God is bigger than all of this misery. I believe that He sees me and knows my troubles and wants to reach out His hand to help me. I believe that His plan is to bring me joy, not sorrow. I want to live my life under His grace, trusting in Him. I believe in His salvation.
He notices me. He sees me trying to find the light, not in the way that means I'm dead, but in a way that means I am trying to find His glory. He knows my name, as the song goes. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls and hears me when I call. It's true.
I am a woman with more questions than answers. I am constantly searching, learning, decorating, loving and muddling my way through this life. I live under His grace. I stray daily from my faith, my diet, the road, but never my husband. I could eat a whole dish of tiramisu and not feel guilty. I could knit a sweater with all the dog hair on my floor, if I swept it up, or knew how to knit. I am hanging on, holding out, and hoping for the best God has to offer.
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4 comments:
that reminds me at my dentist appt. today i saw a tree limb, a big one, that had fallen over. it was hollow inside and i could see through one part of it like a window. inside was a perfect white mushroom growing there sheltered.
wow. This is the first time I've dropped in here. What a post to stumble upon. I needed to hear this today for two reasons:
1. Yes, I feel unnoticed and have felt that way today
2. Your story reminds me that there are others to pray for rather than focus on myself.
Thanks for writing this. I am incredibly encouraged.
You are not unnoticed.
You are beautiful.
God sees that... and so do we.
(from sits)
love your site, I also love how you word your post, your post are easy to read and I get so involved with what you have to say... :) keep up the great job and best of luck to you.
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