Saturday, September 12, 2009

proposal stories and the reality of marriage

I want to say that I loved all the proposal stories you shared. Most of you had such wonderful stories of how you were asked to marry the man of your dreams, and many of you at least dropped hints to your man about what you wanted. I found that comforting. And I wasn't the only one who actually went with her man and pointed to the one she wanted.

Here's my man. Ain't he dreamy?

No, he isn't always fancy or cleanshaven, but he's my man and he loves me. Who knows why he loves me, but he does and today he took me to buy curtain rods for our dining room. Sweet, huh?

Today he and I talked about the fact that I'm still grieving over the failed placement of the baby in May. And it's not that I'm sad all day, everyday, but it's that I'm sad sometimes. We were ready to be a family and that didn't happen. My summer of rest gave me time, but today my husband reminded me that it's time to move on. Get ready for the next baby who will come our way. It's time to pick up the pieces and put myself back together.

This post isn't really about adoption, but about marriage. It's hard to have those conversations sometimes about the hard things. Or embarrassing things. Or family related things. Or financial things. When Charlie and I went to our first premarital counseling session, our pastor told us about the three things that most couples fight about: sex, money and family. And he was right. Sex is complicated at times, money isn't easy, even if you have a whole bunch of it, and family gets in the way sometimes. It all comes out of love, but it all tangles together and creates a mess if left unchecked.

We do a pretty good job talking about most things and we struggle to talk about the more serious issues. Tempers get high and feelings get hurt. But it's important to get the thoughts out and talk about them. It's the only way to improve our relationship, though, to talk it through. I wish that I could say it always solves things, but it at least let's us know that we care.

And that was Charlie's point. He cares about me and wanted to let me know that he sees my pain and grief, but wants to help me heal. I am thankful that even though it isn't easy, he can be brave and bring up the hard things. It was important to him, and he wanted to know what was important to me.

In your life, what is important to you? I had these items on my list:

Family and pets (can't forget the furry babies)
My home and house.
My job and the students I teach.
My creative outlets: writing, photography, cooking, blogging

Things that are not on my radar:

Yard work.
Automotive repair.

These are just a few that come to mind. Charlie also pointed out that I like a lot of alone time, and it was something I never really realized about myself. I do. I like alone time. I like the peace and quiet of a house to myself when I can do whatever I want, like read or watch Project Runway or blog, without feeling like I should be doing something else. I can spend hours alone. I can spend days without leaving my house and still feel content. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I want to get out and wander around and get things done, but this summer I spent much time at home with the quiet.

It's interesting how much we've grown since we got married. We really have learned a lot about each other and I know we will continue to learn even more about each other as we travel this life together. I know my thoughts here aren't perfected or written out in a manner that makes a whole bunch of sense, but it's on my mind.

What's on your mind?


Anonymous said...

First of all, that is a great picture of you and Charlie. He is a great guy and I'm glad you guys found one another. I hope you are beginning to feel better. We should get together soon...I miss you.
Love you,

Melissa Stover said...

that's so true. marriage is a lot harder than we expect when we first get that proposal.

Rona's Home Page said...

You and your husband are so adorable. You can see the love in your eyes.
I wish I had a fun proposal story but it was actually a threat that I made to my husband.
Oh, my husband's name is Charles. I always call him Charles.

Alison said...

Well, today happens to be our 13th anniversary and all I can say is that marriage is tough but rewarding, as well. Maintenence is the key, but unfortunately neither Craig nor I are great communicators. We end up having a big "airing of grievances" every so often and then things get back on tract. It's not healthy, but it's worked for us so far.

I LOVE along time, too. I'm a total introvert and NEED to be alone everyday and I after all these years, I'm not sure Craig truly understands that. Obviously he's not an introvert!

I'm glad you found such a great guy in Charlie. He's a keeper. And so are you!

Kelly Langner Sauer said...

What's on my mind is the fact that you're writing about what I'm writing an article about today, an article I'm totally blocked up on, a picture of authenticity in marriage... Thanks for sharing. This helps me.