That's where I am.
And I wondered why we as women, do the things we do.
Confused?
Let me explain. I think most of my readers know that I am battling infertility. We have been trying for about a year and a half (off and on.) I have tried several different medications and now I am on one that is making me sick. The medication warns that it causes stomach and bowel problems while it works to help you out, and I can certainly testify that those warnings are there for a reason.
So, my goal is a baby, but I am making myself sick in the process. And I am only taking prescription pills, I am not doing shots or anything else like that. But it tells me that we weigh the pros and cons of the situation and then decide what it is worth to us.
I don't know that my husband would willingly deal with this. He probably would; I haven't asked him. But it seems to me that men have the easier part of this infertility thing, but that really isn't my point here. My point is that I have decided it is OK to make myself sick while persuing a bigger reward.
Women do that, I think.
We will get sick, be hurt, go without sleep, money, new clothes, etc, all to work towards something. While I was laying in bed the other day between trips to the bathroom, I wondered why we decide it is ok. Why am I alright with the fact that this medicine makes me sick? Shouldn't I think that being sick isn't ok?
I know this is rambling, but it makes me wonder. About life and motherhood. I think any mother would tell you that they would go without to give their child something. And I'm not even there yet. I think it means to me that I already love this child so much that I would go through this just to give him/her life. I hope that's what it means.
Tell me your stories of motherhood, please. Tell me why we love like this. Give me your perspective. Give me your prayers as I navigate this tough time.
Tell me what you do.
I am a woman with more questions than answers. I am constantly searching, learning, decorating, loving and muddling my way through this life. I live under His grace. I stray daily from my faith, my diet, the road, but never my husband. I could eat a whole dish of tiramisu and not feel guilty. I could knit a sweater with all the dog hair on my floor, if I swept it up, or knew how to knit. I am hanging on, holding out, and hoping for the best God has to offer.
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14 comments:
My husband and I are battling infertility too. We've been trying for four years. We don't have very much money to put into treatment or prescriptions so don't let the long-termness (see how I just made up that word?) of our infertility discourage you.
I don't have any advice or suggestions for you. I just wanted to chime in and say, "hey, you're not alone"
best wishes
Sissy,
I believe that we sacrifice and love because that's who God has made us to be. He wants us as parents to mirror His love in how we raise our childrem. We want the best for our children, so we are willing to do what it takes to make that happen, even if it means staying up all night so they can sleep in our arms. I can't imagine the road you are walking and how difficult/frustrating it must be. Its obvious you already love any children that God may give you. I pray that you will be able to hold your child in your arms one day and know that this was all worth it, because it is.
Sissy, I've been reading your comments on chickadees blog for some time and decided to check yours out. I love the design. It's rather scrappy and I love that look.
So why do we as mom's ignore ourselves for the sake of our children? Well, I'm not sure why, but we do. Something changes when you have children. It no longer is about you, but all about them. I have 2 children..one that will be 18 in 3 months. Why do I sacrifice for his car payment, his insurance, his designer clothes, I could go on and on. Well, I don't know. I just do and it's hard, especially right now. The financial situation is difficult right now...all for him. It's a desire I can't explain, but it's strong. Their happiness before mine. I know one day you will have your baby and you will understand. Life will never be the same.
I seriously stumbled upon your blog (looking at blog designs) and read this post. God's timing. We most likely won't ever meet his side of heaven, but I wanted to encourage you.
I (well my husband and I) battled infertility for 5 years before having our son - then another 2 years before having our daughter. They are both teens now (and yes, the teen years CAN be fun!) I kept this verse beside my bed on a 3x5 card - last thing I saw . . . first thing I saw each day. "Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:36-37
I know your struggles and your pain. I know the monthly disappointment. I know the feeling that EVERYONE else (even people at the store) is pregnant. It is lonely and an awful feeling. Even Hannah's (Samuel's mother) husband didn't get it (he thought he was better than 7 sons to her!). Only women can know the ache.
But - God is good. His plan is perfect. He will either take away the longing for a child or satisfy that longing. He is a God of grace and longs to give good gifts to His children.
I will pray for you - and I'll check back to see how your journey is going.
Tamera in Kearney, Missouri. =]
I have been reading your blog for quite some time now and I have been praying for you and your husband during this time and I will continue to do so.
After reading this last post it is so evident that you will be a wonderful mommy! I pray that God will bless you with a little bundle of joy in the very near future and you will one day soon know the joy of holding your child and sacrificing everything for your precious gift from God!
I have 2 children myself and I do not know what it is, but the sacrifice of being a mom has been easy for me. I have watched other friends struggle with their own selfish nature and realization that a child needs so much of you as mom. I get the feeling that giving of yourself and making sacrifices for your baby will not be a difficult walk for you.
Thank you for being so bold and putting your feelings out there to share with strangers!
Sorry if I am rambling...you know how that goes!
God Bless you as you take this journey with your husband.
Motherhood is such an all consuming thing.
You can't turn it off. Once you're a mom you're forever changed. And in my usual non-serious fashion, I'll say that this is *almost* always a good thing. The headaches are boundless, but the pride and joy is limitless.
Even though I feel that I often lack the warm and snuggly motherlyness of other moms I know, I do know without a doubt that when Caroline is sick or hurt there is nothing I want more than for the hurt and sickness to be transferred to me so she won't have to suffer.
We sacrifice so much for our kids...time alone with spouses, SLEEP, money, interruption free reading or tv watching, and did I mention sleep? But for some unexplained reason, it's ok and completely acceptable. Sure we all have moments where we whine and complain about it, just wanting a break. I'm so totally guilty of that. Totally. Guilty.
Motherhood isn't for wimps and you're already proving that. I'll pray that God relieves your upset stomach and replaces that with the glory of morning sickness.
I'm always thinking about you, my friend.
This season of yuckiness is not in vain. This is the perfect "guilt card" fodder for when your future child is being a big pain. Well, that might not be the best idea, but I do know that he or she will be truly blessed to know that their mom chose to physically suffer to create their life.
Big hugs to you!
Love, Alison
I'll tell you one thing we do: we cry like babies when friends we love eloquently speak what is real and true and dear to their heart, as you have so graciously done here.
I haven't read all the comments yet, but I know most of them must be saying how we hear you, girl. You are not alone, you have a mothers heart and your sacrifices are worth it. Why are they worth it? Good question. Sometimes I hate it, that mothers are givers. Other times I can't imagine it being any other way. Most times, I know that in the midst of the sacrifice, whatever it is, I do so much better if I trust that in my weakness, Jesus is shown as strong.
Sissy, I truly cannot add anything to what these gracious ladies have said. I will continue to lift you up in prayer. But I do have one last thing to say, you are already a wonderful mother and that baby that is waiting to meet you is blessed.
my prayers are with you. I know a few people that have been through infertility problems. It is a tough thing.
Having given a child up for adoption, I am in favor of that route- but I also understand the precious gift created by both you and your husband.
God gave you a mother's heart. The fact that you'd sacrifice like this for a child yet to be conceived is a beautiful testament to what kind of mother you will be.
i have not yet experienced this in my life yet, but i wanted you to know i'm praying for you! everything will turn out in God's perfect timing, when your goal is to follow His will!
I have taught homeschool, a thing I dislike, for the last five years. I have thought often about how that is a sacrifice of love...but every mother gives up her freedom...that's huge right there!
Do you think we are just wired this way? I think about this question often. Especially since I think of myself as selfish and impatient. But...I don't do things for me. It makes me happy when my children are happy. I happily clothe them while I wear things with holes in them. I make plates of dinner for them before I would serve myself. (And naturally, they are finished by the time I sit down...and then they want something else. Don't think I've eaten a hot meal since I gave birth...)
I think you are wired this way too. With your nurturing heart and kind words. You are going to be an *incredible* mother...
I cannot add to what everyone else has said other than to confirm that I know God is preparing you even now.
We do what we do because God has given us a desire to live for Him, along with a desire to be a mother. I fully believe He honors that desire, in His own way, in His own time.
I'll be praying for you!
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