Friday, March 14, 2008

Have you ever felt like you try so many different things, but it's still not right? Whichever way you go, whatever you choose, somehow you just can't win? That is how I have been feeling the past couple of weeks. I have been given some goals at work and am working to accomplish them, but I don't feel like I am making much headway. I keep stumbling over silly little tasks and I don't know what else to do to make it better. There must be something I am missing. Some mysterious clue in all the clutter in my head that would give me a little more information. A little more direction. To help me make the pieces fit.

Kinda like this pair of curtain rod finials that I found at Goodwill. They were $3! Score! So cute. Vintage-y glass doorknob finials. I love glass knobs and finials, they make such a statement. I was even thinking that I had the perfect place to put them and that they would really dress up this plain, cheap rod I bought.
They don't.

They don't fit anywhere or on anything.

I don't know what this manufacturer was thinking. The part that would screw on to the rod is so small that it seems like it would fit on one of those fat kiddie crayons that they give kindergarteners. Here I have this gem of a find, this awesome potential, and I can't use it in the way I intended. So frustrating.

This post might have been written backwards. Maybe I should have written about the finials and then related it to my life, but that is not how it poured out. I hate it that I am struggling. I hate it that I don't seem to fit. I feel unwanted and unworthy and I am not cute or ironic in this post. I am embarrased that I seem to cry everytime I talk to someone about it. How can I be a professional when I need tissues every five minutes?

I keep praying that I will see God's will in this. That seems to be my chant. I want to see His will in my job. I want to see His will in my infertility. I don't sleep and I stare at the ceiling wondering where He is leading. I am certainly stressed, and that isn't good for fertility either. Right? Can you tell I am a tad overwhelmed?

Oh, my. I have gotten off track. I meant this post to be about getting ideas for what I can do with those finials. Any creative ideas out there folks? I would love to be able to use them somehow, instead of donating them back to the Goodwill where some other gullible bargain hunter will likely pay another $3 for them.

Send me your ideas, your thoughts, and your prayers. I certainly need 'em.


Debbie said...

Hi Sissy. I don't even know you, and I feel so sad that YOU feel so sad and unworthy. I really don't like that word "unworthy." Because you are a child of HIS...and HE didn't create anyone that is unworthy. YOU ARE NOT UNWORTHY! Didn't you try to make those finials fit when they weren't going to, weren't meant to? Maybe this job isn't the place for you. Maybe you are trying to make it a good fit for you, and it really isn't. Pray for doors to either open (a new opportunity) or for them to be closed (He has a reason for you to stay there) and just trust that HE does have a plan for you. You have laid it in His hands. Just rest in the peace of knowing this pain you feel isn't for nothing. Remember HE prunes to get to the good stuff. And pruning hurts. You really don't see yourself the way we do. You are so sweet, eloquent, humble, tender hearted, funny, clever and I wish you worked in my daughter's school because our librarian is GRUMPY!

Now, I had an idea for the finials. Glue them to a piece of molding/wood that you spiff up with paint and make them wall plaques to hang something like pictures with ribbon on them. Just a thought.

Rebekah said...

I understand how you feel. I have been through periods in my life where I felt this way. It does get better. You will press on in finding who you are and what God's plan is for you.

Cheer up! You won a copy of my sister book, Sweet Caroline. E-mail me your address and I will get the copy out to you.

Caroline said...

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, especially with the tender subject of infertility. Two people very dear to me are struggling with that as well. I wish I had words, but I don't. I will pray for you and your husband.

Sniz said...

I am SOOO sorry you're struggling, Sissy. I struggle a lot too, and when I am, I am sure that I am more messed up than others and that everyone secretly thinks I'm a chubby flake. I know that's wrong and sin because I am a child of God---He made me and has done so many things for me, but it's so hard sometimes. Do you think warm weather will help? It usually helps me.

As for the finials, how about attaching them to a board and making them into a rack for coats, etc. Does that make sense?

Hunny Bee May said...

Hey Sissy,
first of all, I like Sniz's idea of a coat rack or something like that. You could buy some other coordinating kinds and mix and match them. Or would they work as drawer pulls on some old piece of furniture that needs updating?
Secondly, I know this sounds trite, but really, there's only so much you can do or worry about what other people think. You can just simply be yourself and be transparent and be confident in who you are at this very moment, emotional junk and all. So you've got troubles. OWN them! Own who you are and what you're going through. Make it work for you, if that makes sense. This is what your life is and you can either hate it and then hate yourself in it, or accept it, trust God even when it feels like the most foreign, wrong thing in the world and just be. You don't know why or what or when, but what you do know is that God made you, formed you and knows what you need. He is closer than you will ever know right now. Stand confident in that and live the life He gave you seeking His hand and His grace day by day. He will never leave you or forsake you.
I've been through (different) struggles and what I learned was to just accept where I was, embrace the pain and stop beating myself up for being so needy, frail, annoying, etc..I just was who I was at that moment and God loved me the same then as when I've got it all together.
I happen to think you are terrific and I love your writing. I look forward to your blog!
I hope you have a wonderful week and feel the embrace of God in the midst of your struggles.

Heather said...

I'm giving you big hugs right now. Everyone has such solid advice that I will just say how much I wish things were different right now.

Lapa said...

Coimbra, April 23, 1975.
"A few days ago, during the homily of Sunday Mass in a parish church in rural surroundings, the priest spoke to his parishioners about the forthcoming elections for the Constituent Assembly. Launched hand of the parabola to be better understood and told them:

-- "My dear brothers in Christ: suppose that one of you is owner of a dairy cow; if socialism wins, the brother takes the cow, but will have to give the milk to the party, if the communism wins, we will stand without the milk and without. cow. .." "

emily said...

Coffee. With a friend (aka: me) I think that would help.

And the knowledge that I would have grabbed those finials at Goodwill then looked over my shoulder to see the competition. I'm glad you posted about them so now I know not to buy them when you send them back. But you're an artist. You'll figure something out.

Love you, girl. That's all I got.

Jennifer P. said...

Just take a lesson from those finials. Even though they won't do what you wanted them to do, some other great opportunity will come along for them. Don't give up on them---or yourself. I know we always want to know WHEN and HOW, but trials always do pass. Until they fully do, I always just pray that they won't feel so heavy on my shoulders. God listens. He's good. He has good things in store for Sissy. Hang in there, and one day you'll look back and have a good chuckle that you were ever so worried!