Well, today is Saturday and my spring break is almost over. I have had a wonderful week, and my Mom has been here to visit. We have looked at condos for her, and been lazy a couple days. I really love a lazy day when I am on vacation. To just sit in my pajamas and watch old movies or a marathon of my favorite show. Even now, I am in my flannel pajamas and Mom and I just finished "Mannequin," one of my most favorite 80s movies. I love Andrew McCarthy and I forgot that Kim Cattrall (Sex and the City) was the mannequin. My, she is pretty and was so bubbly in this movie.
But, even as I have been relaxing this week, my job is still on my mind. I have really been working to push the stress out and relax. It seems, though, that each time I try to let my mind wander, I come back to the fact that in the next two months I will be constantly under a microscope at work. The official documents say "your employment is in jeopardy." Doesn't that make you just about want to throw up? I have never worked well with uncertainty. I like to have a plan and follow that plan. I like knowing what is next. THIS is hard. Not knowing when the other shoe will drop and I will be out looking for another job.
I am trying to face this as a challenge and work towards staying at my current job. I want them to see what an asset I can be, but it seems that my boss isn't interested in my success. They may have already written me off, and this plan they have me on is just to make it easier to let me go. I'm not sure if they're really looking for me to succeed, or if they really just want the opportunity to replace me. I am haunted with all this paranoia and I know it isn't healthy. Even now I can feel the muscles in my back tense up as I think about it. Is it even worth this stress to try and stay? And if I get to keep my job, will I feel any more secure next year? Any what kind of job can I get with bad references from this one?
Pray for me, please. That is all I can ask. Pray that I will know God's will and what He wants for me. If He is ready for me to move on, make it clear. Open another door. I only want His will, but I am not sure what that is for me at the moment. Pray that I can receive some clarity. Pray that my boss will really see me for me. Lift me up.
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