help a girl out

I am nervous.

I have never been one to deal well with uncertainty. I let it creep in and steal my joy, as my husband would say. Here we are about to embark on parenthood and I am worried. Worried about lots of things. Like whether the birthmom will change her mind. Whether the birthfather will ever sign off. Will I lose my job in all these budget cuts? Will the baby ever get here? Will she be ok?

I get freaked out and I can admit it.

Can you help me out and pray that I will feel peace. Perfect peace that will allow me to enjoy these last few weeks as a couple, before we are a family. Peace that she will come home and be our daughter.

Will you? Please?

Send me a word of encouragement to help me through these last two weeks (or longer, should she be late.) Light a candle. Say a prayer. Call me up and keep me occupied. If you live locally, then take me out and buy me dinner and talk about your family and life. Get me over the last hump.

I don't want to let fear take me over. I don't want to look back at the last weeks before her arrival and think about how stressed I was. I want to think about how I put her nursery together and how Charlie and I talked about names (no, we aren't sharing yet) and how we went yardsaling to find little things for her. I want to enjoy all that.

Help a girl out. Thanks.

the butler did it

I babysat my nephew Harrison a couple of weeks ago and we had lots of fun. It was actually the day after we found out about the baby, and I had him for the whole day. It was so funny, because I wanted to be able to run around and do baby stuff and talk on the phone and tell people, and I was babysitting.

Which I don't normally do. I am not usually the person called on to babysit. There is probably a reason for that, but this post isn't about that.

Harrison is a really good baby, though. He is 15 months old and has a very happy disposition. He likes to ride in the car and he loves Nilla Wafers and goldfish and likes to rip up paper. You never really know what kids like to do. They find some really simple things and make them magical.

Case in point, he discovered our butler's door. (A butler's door is one that swings on a spring back and forth.) It is one of the quirky things about our house that we really like. It divides our kitchen from our dining room, and it is really quite odd. You typically only see them in older, more expensive homes, where they actually have servants. Why there is one in our 1800 square foot home, I will never know, but there is and he loved it. We usually just keep it open, since we walk through it all the time, but Harrison loves to shut doors. Except he realized this one he could shut, and then walk up to it and push it through. Then he would turn around and push it shut again, and then walk through to the other side. Now, before you start thinking me a bad aunt for letting him play with it, let me say that it does not swing back and hit you in the face. The spring load is pretty tight, so that when it swings past the middle point, it quickly comes back to rest at the middle point with really no bounce. But to a child, who hasn't ever seen a door that can go 180 degrees, he thought it was the best thing ever. Each time he would close it, he would giggle as it swung. So cute.

It entertained him for quite some time.

No, he didn't want to watch the video his mom sent. No, he didn't want to take a nap. No, he didn't want to play with his toys. He wanted to swing my butler's door. And I happily sat there and watched him do it.

Um, maybe this is the reason I don't get asked to babysit. I did nothing educational. I didn't take him for a walk. Ok, let's not dwell on this.

Oh, yes, I'll be sure to link back to this post when our baby discovers the joys of that door. When she ignores all the toys she has and entertains herself with the door. I'll think back to this and smile.

a peek at the nursery

The whole inspiration for the nursery came from this recliner that I inherited from my Dad. My dad used to rock me in this chair when I was younger, and when he died I claimed it for my own. In fact, about three weeks before he passed away my Dad and I sat in this chair and I cried and said goodbye.

I kept it to be the rocker in my future baby's room, knowing that turquoise would go with either boy or girl. I wanted it to be the legacy from baby's grandpa, so I could rock my child and tell stories about a man they will only know through that chair.

I chose this dresser years ago when I chose furniture for our guest room. I was thinking that I might want to use it in a nursery some day, so I chose something that would grow with our child. We do have a few more things to hang on the wall over the dresser, but I think it looks cute so far.

Yes, I know it's a little princessy, but I love the gauzy curtains I hung above the crib. I found some scrapbook paper and created the canvas above the bed with a quote from Shakespeare (to sleep, perchance to dream.) We're going to put up letters under the canvas once we bring baby girl home and she has a name. The paisley towel on the back of the crib is what my mom is using to make the bumper pads. It's acutally a beach towel that I found at TJMaxx a couple of years ago and never actually used at the beach.

There are shelves sitting in the crib in this shot, and a little elephant that I found somewhere. I did get a white crib skirt with pink paisley embroidered on it from Pottery Barn Kids and that is on the bottom.

We have some clothes, diapers, wipes, the carseat, the stroller, some bottles, a couple cans of formula and diaper bags ready to go. We don't have tons of things, and we have registered for other things, and we're going to a MOPS sale this weekend.

Now, if I can just get some sleep before baby comes, I'll be doing good.

lend me your ear

Can I say that this week has been the longest week in a long time? Can I unload that on you? Can I tell you that I am so physically and emotionally exhausted and the baby isn't even mine yet?

Last week:

• cleaned house
• Easter Church service
• attended Easter dinner at in-laws
• got sick
• painted den
• still sick
• met birthmother
• met social worker the same day
• still sick
• had tests at hospital while sick
• registered at Babies R Us
• shopped for bridal shower
• cleaned house more
• finished and decorated nursery
• still can't breathe
• hosted mom and uncle for steak dinner
• cleaned up some more, cause the social worker has to open closets
• homestudy with social worker
• attended bridal shower
• cooked out with friends
• worked info desk at church, both services

Collapsed. Slept through Sunday.

Monday morning. Not pretty. Had to wake up and got to work and get back into the swing of things. By 2 pm I was drooping at my desk and foraging for caffeine.

Went to bed at 8:45.

where was McDreamy?

If you want to read about our meeting with the birthmother, click here.



If you want to read about my trip to the hospital, keep reading.



When I went for my checkup at the urologist several weeks ago, and I was so frustrated that I was not getting better, he suggested we do another test. One that would require them putting me to sleep for about 15 minutes so they could look up inside my bladder and stretch it out. I was not looking forward to it, as I was nervous about going to sleep, but I honestly didn't get a chance to think much about it with the adoption stuff going on.

Thursday morning came very quickly after all the hustle and bustle of Wednesday and the birthmother. We drove to the surgical center and I was quickly taken in to a ready room, where they gave me a gown and some grippy socks to wear. The room was small but nice...it had this really comfy recliner chair for me to sit in, and they brought me a heated blanket. I didn't have much time to get nervous, and they came in and put in my IV. My doctor came by for a brief hello and then they brought Charlie back to sit with me.

I already told you that the thing I was most nervous about was the anesthesgia. Well, when the anesthesiologist came by to introduce himself and talk to me, it turned out that he was the dad of one of my students. It made me feel better that he at least knew of me...that I wasn't just a random patient. I told him that he now had more incentive to make sure I woke up.

They gave me a hairnet, Charlie and I said a prayer, and then they walked me down the hall to the Operating Room. I had to climb up on this table and lay down, and let me tell you, I was waiting for McDreamy to come around the corner or something. There was no hot surgeon to wish me well and comfort me. I stretched out flat and they covered me with blankets and then put a mask over my face and I was out. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room and the nurse asking if I was thirsty and wanted juice. I drank two cups of apple juice and they took me back to my recliner room. We waited there for a little bit while I woke up some more and then they released me to go home.

All in all, it wasn't a bad morning. I really don't remember all of it, but when I came home I curled up in my bed with some magazines and a book and slept on and off. I will say that if I hadn't had this test to make me sit at home on Thursday, I might not have gotten any kind of rest this week during break. This week went by too fast and school starts again in the morning.

Sigh.

knock me out

Just wanted to drop a quick line and say the meeting went well. The birthmother was very nice and very nervous, just like we were. More on this later. Today I have to have some testing done at the hospital (they have to knock me out!) and so I won't post about it until tomorrow, maybe.

Homestudy on Saturday.

welcome wednesday

Tomorrow is yet another Wednesday. Another day in the middle of the week, another day of my spring break. But tomorrow is the day we meet with the birthmother. We get to sit down with her and talk, with our social worker from the agency. It will be her chance to ask us more about ourselves and the things we wrote in our profile book.

It's a big day.

I'm trying not to focus to much energy on this meeting, because, technically, if she didn't like us she could change her mind. And choose someone else. That would break my heart.

I keep praying that she will see our hearts and know that we already love this baby. I pray that she will feel comfortable with us and know that her child will have a good home. I can't imagine the burden of choosing parents for a baby I have chosen to give up. I know she wants to make the right choice. I know we don't want to seem to eager, even though we are so excited. I know she'll probably ask why we can't have kids, and I need to be prepared to talk about that.

After the meeting with the birthmother, we will stay and talk a few minutes with our social worker, Kelly. She told us that we can bring clothes for the baby to leave the hospital in, and to wear on placement day (Gotcha Day.) We picked out two little outfits last weekend, and we will bring them with us tomorrow as well. The agency also sent us the amount that we have to pay on Gotcha Day and while we knew what the adoption would cost, it is still a big figure.

Again, I ask, keep us in your prayers.

His tomb is empty, My heart is full...

Easter has always been a fun holiday for me. I love the bunnies and eggs and flowers and baskets and all the fun pastel goodness of this day. And I love what it really stands for: my risen Lord. I love that Easter officially ushers in the sunshine and warmth of spring, bringing with it the renewal of our spirits.

I know all over this country, pastors are speaking about the cross and the empty tomb, and I love that story, I do. But this year Easter has a profoundly different meaning for me, an even more personal meaning. This Easter brings with it the promise of my newly growing family. This renewal of my spirit has shown me His love even more. How He could take a heart that was cracked and broken with infertility and turn it into a heart that is blossoming with the love of motherhood. While this baby is not mine yet, I already feel protective of her, already think of her sleeping in the crib, already love her.

How could I doubt His love for me? I look back on those months of insecurity and pain and am thankful that I was able to praise Him through it all. It doesn't mean I didn't doubt His plan for me or question His intentions, but I tried to seek Him through it all.

And should this adoption fall through, I will again live in His security. I will trust that my Savior will bring me joy in whatever way He sees fit. While I know that losing my daughter will break my heart, I have to trust that He has the best for me. And as much as I want her, as much as I have prepared for her, I have to be prepared to give her back. And not just to her birthmother, who could change her mind, but to Jesus, who has trusted me with her. I guess all parents go through this...our Lord has trusted us with a life, but in adoption it's different. Not only do I have a Heavenly Father trusting me with this child, I have a birthmother who has chosen us to raise her baby. It's heady.

Salvation: it's a promise, isn't it? A promise between intimates that says "I will trust, I will praise, I will acknowledge what You did, and accept Your will." Easter reminds us that He keeps His word. He arose. He conquered. He reigns.

In me.

get on your knees, please

We have another prayer request. Click here to be taken to our adoption site.

it's a mad, mad world...

Here's what's happening in my world today:

Mess and chaos.

My washer and dryer are in my den.

My husband's power tools are in the dining room on a big shelf that goes in the laundry room.

My table is covered with boxes of new light fixtures.

My couch is shoved into the middle of the den, and I have a wall to sand and paint.

Last night I sat on the floor at 9pm and caulked around our new baseboards.

All the things that were in the "nursery" are in the hall and spare bedroom if they don't actually belong in the nursery.

I have a nursery. Whoa.

You can't see my kitchen countertops.

I have paint rollers in my fridge, but not much else.

Oh, and hey, the social worker comes next week to check us out and make sure our house is okay to bring a baby home to...

Yeah, there's no pressure at all.

Sigh, groan.

Put the laptop away and get to work.

Could I possibly have better news?

It happened.

On Friday.

We were chosen.

That sounds so weird to me. We were chosen! But we were and have been matched with a birthmom and baby and I can't even wrap my mind around it. Oh my. Breathe.

Let me back up and tell the story correctly.

I took my lunch break around 12:45 and got back to my desk a little before 1:30. I checked my cell phone and I had a message from Kelly at our adoption agency saying "I have a few questions for you, give me a call if you can." I called. Kelly filled me in on a few things: someone had donated a check for us, they had received most of our paperwork, they were waiting for clearance from the child molester registry, oh and she met with a birthmother that morning and she had selected us for her baby!

Way to just slip that right in!

I think I said, "that's cool." My mind was blank. It was completely empty. I was frozen to my chair as I listened to her say that the baby would be born in May and it is a little girl. In MAY.

Did you hear that, people? In May! In like, four weeks from now, and that's if she doesn't go early. Wow. In May.

Um, wow. Now, there are a million things to do. We have to finish up some paperwork and get our ducks in a row. We need baby things. We need a name. We need prayer, cause, remember, this is an adoption and anything can happen.

Whoa, pinch me.

Let me just take a moment and thank my Savior, who has watched over this baby and is placing her in my hands. Let's take a moment and thank this birthmom, who could have made a very different choice. Let's thank our adoption agency for doing what they do everyday.

Now, proceed to do the happy dance. Oh, and start sending me your hand-me-downs. I'm gonna need em!
(ps. this is the same post as on the adoption blog...so good I posted it twice!)