how things are

It's summertime and I spend most of that time recharging for the school year. But this summer was supposed to be different. This summer was supposed to be my first season as a mother, but that turned out not to be the case. And I think I am still mourning from that loss, but ignoring it at the same time, trying to move past it.


Over the past few days I have talked with several friends about how I am good at drawing lines in my life. You know, the lines you won't cross. The deal breakers. The non-negotiable things. I draw those lines because I am selfish about my emotions, my time, my body.

Specifically, we were talking about relationships, and how I drew lines and made choices to protect myself. For example, I didn't have sex until I got married, and that was a line I drew, mostly because that was part of my faith, but also because I felt my emotions and body were precious. Intimacy is just that: intimate. Why share those things with someone I haven't connected with on every other level? When dating, I was up front about my beliefs early on and the few men I dated knew my boundaries. If they weren't okay with my lines, they were shown the door before I even was too far invested. Emotionally. But the lines don't just exist in romantic relationships, they exist in my friendships as well. And I've always thought I was happy in my little box, and I drew a box around my sadness and pushed it aside.

I wonder, though, if my lines, my boxes, my deal breakers kept me from experiencing life more fully. Would I have learned more about the world and about myself if I'd pushed past the lines? Of would I have just gotten myself hurt? If I'd been more flexible, what would that have looked like? Would I have been more popular, more respected, more something? And is more necessarily better? I don't know the answers to these questions.

All I know is that I don't want to be rigid. Even keeled? Yes. But rely so much on my little box that I can't allow for new experiences? No. Maybe there's a place for growth here. Maybe there's a chance for me to redraw my lines, and allow for more freedom and joy. Maybe I don't have to hold back with people when they don't measure up to my expectations.

Maybe this is a ramble and you won't relate to any of it. Maybe my lines and boundaries are my thing and not no one else does this. But if you do relate...comment. I would love to hear your thoughts.