In one aspect I am a happy woman. I really like my house. It was built in 1961 and has that elusive charm that I was looking for this time around. I made a mistake in our first house...I loved the inside, but we were in a cookie-cutter neighborhood and the house across the street was the same as ours. When I finally convinced my husband to sell it, I found a gem of a house in an old neighborhood in Greensboro. It has a yard full of trees and is brick and has these cute little dormer windows in the attic.
I guess you could say I identify a lot with the house. It is in need of repair. It has wonderful bones and the previous owners did some work on the cosmetic things before they sold it. They refinished the floors, stripped some wallpaper and painted everything. The kitchen was the only thing that was horrible. It was green and yellow and had not been touched since the sixties. The stove burners shook when you used them and I never made anything in the oven because of this odd smell that eminated from it when I heated it up. Old fish and sweat socks. Anyway, after some major construction we now have brand new everything. Cabinets, counters, floor, and an open space where we took down a wall.
I think my attitude is like that sometimes. I feel bruised inside when I look around and see babies everywhere. Just moments ago in Target there was a lovely pregnant woman passing me as I went to pick up my Clomid and look at ovulation predictors. I am aching with envy. I am in need of repair.
My prayer this afternoon is that I can meet the morning with a joyous attitude. That I can embrace who I am and who God made me. This struggle is mine and I will claim it. I will admit that I am in the midst of a renovation. God is giving me new cabinets and countertops. He looks at me and sees the potential, much the way I looked at the house. He loves my charm. He will wipe away my tears and take down a wall. Some new paint and a light fixture and I can shine. Thank you Lord that you are the master of all carpenters.
writing about infertility
12 hours ago