Tuesday, February 26, 2008

intensity and infertility

Well, today I have nothing silly to say. No pictures of my puppy. No paint samples to share. Today is a day that has been filled with tears. Yesterday was worse. If I had a theme song for this post, it would be "lost" by Michael Buble. But let me back up and start at the beginning....

We had mid-year evaluations at my job this week. Mine was Monday. I met with my principal and assistant principal and without going into all the details, it was not a happy meeting. The powers that be are not happy with my performance. They spelled out some things that were really hard to hear.

It was an intense conversation. I sat there and the tears started pushing at my eyes. I was trying so hard to remain controlled and to listen, but the water leaked down my face. It was such an unprofessional response, but I could not even get a handle on it. He had to hand me a tissue. I walked out of there feeling so low. I have never had a job like this one. I struggle and work hard, but it is not enough. And I thought I was having a good year. Guess not.

So I had to go on with my day. I had to pull it together and go back and teach my kindergarten class. I had to paste on a smile. I said a prayer and tried to get through it. I don't know how I managed to read my story and get books checked out to that class. It had to be God...I can hardly remember it.

That afternoon as I was cleaning up, my phone rang. It was my OB/GYN calling to say that my blood tests indicate that I did not ovulate again this month. Bad news. I almost starting crying a-gain. They would need to triple my dose of the Clomid to try again. Like I need those hormones raging through me while I am trying to save my job. Whew-hooo. Can I even handle all this mixed together?

Well, I went home at the day's end and sobbed on the couch with my husband. He held my hand and listened to me ramble about feeling worthless. I can't do my job and I can't get pregnant. Can I do anything right? Let's talk about low self esteem!

But through all of this, I have had several reminders that God still sees me. A co-worker told me to think about it like "what is God challenging you with in this?" And my husband reminded me that even with all the opposition David faced, he met the giant with all he had: a slingshot. It was what David had in his hand, and God made him victorious. He also reminded me that we prayed for this job, and this is where God led me. Maybe God is using this challenge to prepare me for what's next, whatever that is. One last counsel I found today was the blog My Messy, Thrilling Life. The writer over there is an amazing woman working through her own issues, but she is woman with great perspective. If you get a chance, read her Monday Moment from this week.

I pray that God will continue to reveal Himself in these situations. That I will learn through this and succeed in the job arena. That I can accept what is happening in the fertility area, and know His will. Lord, take me and mold me and make me the vessel that is going to shine. Give me the grace to handle these situations of pressure. Allow me to handle the stress with the grace that You will flow through me. I am Your child. Let me bask in Your love.


Debbie said...

Sissy, I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything is going to be okay. I can only do one of them...Everything IS going to be okay because the creator and designer of your life wasn't surprised by any of this. He is refining you...and He wants to give you the desires of your heart. Don't lose hope. Don't look at the circumstances, look up, stand fast, and trust that our Heavenly Father has a plan. And when the blessings are revealed, oh how sweet they will be because the testimony you have will be such an awesome witness of how our sovereign God brought you out of the valley and into glory through your obedience. Don't lose heart. I'll be praying for you sweet girl.

Debbie said...

One other thing. He has a plan and He always delivers it in His time not ours. So frustrating isn't it. I know this from personal experience...all through my 20's all I wanted to do was be married...I didn't get married until I was 34 because God had His plan for the man I was to marry and He wasn't ready to introduce him to me until I was 33! That wasn't in MY plan. I'm so glad I was forced to wait because I have the one and only person meant for me. You will have that family you long for...and the job that fulfills you, not defeats you. Ok...that is my two cents...from a complete stranger who felt your pain through the blogosphere...

Anonymous said...

I wish I could give you a hug too! You know that this too shall pass and you'll come out stronger than ever. I will pray for you! And thank you for your comment today on my blog. I have loved finding you here. I'd be honored to be on your blogroll. Mind if I add you to mine?

Debbie said...

Ok Sissy, I promise this is the last time I will bug you, but I just sat here for the last hour or so and read your entire blog. Your heart is so tender and sweet. So much of what you express we have (and maybe still do) all felt...You are just so open and eloquent in your honesty. I wish I could be more like that and I am ALOT older than you are. You have blessed me so much tonight...don't ever doubt your worth. You are a gift and are gifted...expect miracles.

Rebekah said...

Im sorry you had a rough day. Remembering David and "The Giant" was a good analogy.

I went through a tough time exactly a year ago. I leaned in close to God and He proved Himself to me once again.

I don't know too much about your story but have you ever considered adoption? I gave a baby up when I was 19 to a wonderful family and she has been such a blessing to them. You can read the post I wrote on my side bar entitled No Lightening Bolt For Me

Have a better day today

Alison said...

Oh Sissy,

I'm so so sorry that you're having to deal with this. What a crappy couple of days you've had. I wish I had a magic wand to take away your pain because it hurts me to know that you're hurting so terribly.
I'm a fluffy kind of girl and never know what to say when things get intense, so I know anything I type right now will not provide ou with too much comfort and help. But, just know that I'm on your side and will remain forever hopeful that you'll be a mom some day.

You're faith is amazing. I'm encouraged by it...because I rarely look at challanges as a tool for God to teach me something. I just whine and cry and have a great big old pity party. The truth is, I'll never understand God. I hate that he causes hurt. Sure, it's for a greater good, but I still don't like it. See, my faith is weak.

Things will get better. They have to. It's the ride getting there that is so unbearably tumultuous. I just wish I could zap it all away for you and make it better now.

Even though I regularly lose sight of the fact that God is in control, deep in my heart I know that His grace IS sufficient and somewhere in this messy web of trial and emotional meltdownage, He is there for you and has a great plan for your life. Someday it'll all come together and you'll be thankful for the struggle and the learning experience. He is molding you into an incredibly strong and faithful woman.
But until then...this just sucks. And I'm sorry. I never want to see my friends so down.
Big big hugs to you.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Charlie too....he's going to need it if you're on a triple dose of Clomid!!!

I love you girl!


Heather said...

I think sometimes life is one big dot-to-dot. Sometimes it just doesn't make much sense. When I'm able to pull back and look behind me, I can see how everything's connected. That's not meant to tell you that it'll be alright because right now it feels all wrong.

I'm sorry about your review and I'm even sorrier about the phone call from your OB. Who knows why all of this is getting piled on right now, but I know that one day you'll look behind you and all of the dots will be connected.

I'm praying for God to give you peace, and renewed hope, and babies. Lots and lots of babies.

I love you!

Ann said...

Oh Sissy, I believe that all will be well, relax, enjoy life and dont worry. this is my mums favourtite saying " today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday........... and all is well" its true, take care, I will be thinking of you

Sissy said...

Thanks everyone for those prayers. Keep 'em coming! Today has been a better day. I decided to be pro-active about the job thing and speak to several other teachers and make my own support group. Then I can tackle the challenges ahead with a group of people around me to offer advice and sound strategies. Hope that makes sense.

You don't know how much I appreciate all your kind words. I teared up AGAIN reading some of them. Maybe I am a crybaby!

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sissy said...

Thanks Sarah for those words. As one infertile Myrtle to another, you know what a hard road it is and how your heart longs to be fulfilled. Thank you for visiting and for sharing. Please don't be offended, but I needed to delete your comment as you shared Emily's last name. I know why you had to use it, so I would know WHICH Emily you were talking about.

I will pray for you as well. And all of you out there that are supporting me. I pray that God will touch you as He touches me.

Sarah, I hope you visit and comment often. Your words mean a lot.

Sarah said...


I don't mind that you deleted it at all...I totally understand. I know you had to know which Em I was referring to so you didn't think I was a blog stalker! :)

I WILL check in with you. It's a hard road and it is nice to have people who truly know what the journey holds and still have hope. Thank you for your prayers!

Anonymous said...

Sissy im so sorry you had such a rough day. Like debbie said, its His plan and timeline, not ours. In reguards to your job, I personally know how much it stinks to be expecting a great review and not get it. But now you have the chance to make the improvements they are seeking, if you are wanting to stay in your position. As for getting pregnant, it will happen when its meant too. i know being surrounded by the baby boom in our family certainly hasnt helped, not to mention the added pressure from people asking when you and charlie are going start. Children are a blessing but it is such a drastic change, even just pregnancy. so try not to stress and enjoy your time with charlie while you still can! Im praying for you, as always. We need to cash in our raincheck for dinner now that harbear is better. ive got 2 new chicken recipes for you!

Pea Pod Mommy said...

What a day. I can totally relate. I will be praying for you. Thanks for your prayers as well. God has a plan ~ and it is hard to wait and see. But in the end, you will be happy to have done His plan instead of your own.

Jennifer P. said...

Sounds like we're both trying to figure out God's will right now, huh? My heart goes out to you. I have had several friends deal with infertility and seen how it just eats away at them for a time. Then they figure it out--and somehow it all works out.

I like to think of the story of Elijah and the widow. She was about to make a final cake for her and her son, and then wait to die in the famine. Elijah promised that if she would make food for him first, God would provide for her. With faith, she answered this challenge. I love the fact though, that God did not give her a full meal jar or overflowing bottle of oil--he gave her only sufficient for each day. I know that if we put Him first, the same blessing of "sufficient for the day" can come to us too.

You'll be in my prayers. Thank you so much for all your kind comments.

Sniz said...

What in the world could they complain about when it comes to teaching Kindergarten? Administration stuff? Not playing by their rules?
I'm sorry about the infertility. I have friends that are dealing with that or have dealt with it and I know how deeply it hurts. This post reminds me of how trials make us turn to Him.
By the way, I got paint chips to paint the kitchen. I am trying to choose between dark red and dark brown. I like the red, but my husband likes the brown. He wants to build a half-column between the kitchen and living to break the color.

Hunny Bee May said...

Oh Sissy, if only we could know 'why' in the moment. There is a 'why', it's just not been time to reveal it. And really, the real revelation is just of God himself and His infinite love for you and all you are and are going to be. He has you in His hand. He is molding you. It hurts so much. But His love is strong and He is protecting you in ways you can't even see right now.
You are in my prayers and I wish I lived next door to you so we could be friends and you could come over and cry and share your problems and have a box of Samoas with me. (Which is how I try and make myself feel better when life is yucky.)
You will be in my prayers and I know that God is going to show Himself powerful on your behalf. Hang in there girl! You've got a great life to look forward to!

Sniz said...

I'm so, so glad to see all this support of you, my sister-in-the-Lord.

Anonymous said...

Viagra is the trusted treatment for male impotence problems. Online Viagra resource containing quality information on viagra and Erectile Dysfunction. http://www.viagracare.com