intensity and infertility

Well, today I have nothing silly to say. No pictures of my puppy. No paint samples to share. Today is a day that has been filled with tears. Yesterday was worse. If I had a theme song for this post, it would be "lost" by Michael Buble. But let me back up and start at the beginning....


We had mid-year evaluations at my job this week. Mine was Monday. I met with my principal and assistant principal and without going into all the details, it was not a happy meeting. The powers that be are not happy with my performance. They spelled out some things that were really hard to hear.


It was an intense conversation. I sat there and the tears started pushing at my eyes. I was trying so hard to remain controlled and to listen, but the water leaked down my face. It was such an unprofessional response, but I could not even get a handle on it. He had to hand me a tissue. I walked out of there feeling so low. I have never had a job like this one. I struggle and work hard, but it is not enough. And I thought I was having a good year. Guess not.


So I had to go on with my day. I had to pull it together and go back and teach my kindergarten class. I had to paste on a smile. I said a prayer and tried to get through it. I don't know how I managed to read my story and get books checked out to that class. It had to be God...I can hardly remember it.


That afternoon as I was cleaning up, my phone rang. It was my OB/GYN calling to say that my blood tests indicate that I did not ovulate again this month. Bad news. I almost starting crying a-gain. They would need to triple my dose of the Clomid to try again. Like I need those hormones raging through me while I am trying to save my job. Whew-hooo. Can I even handle all this mixed together?


Well, I went home at the day's end and sobbed on the couch with my husband. He held my hand and listened to me ramble about feeling worthless. I can't do my job and I can't get pregnant. Can I do anything right? Let's talk about low self esteem!


But through all of this, I have had several reminders that God still sees me. A co-worker told me to think about it like "what is God challenging you with in this?" And my husband reminded me that even with all the opposition David faced, he met the giant with all he had: a slingshot. It was what David had in his hand, and God made him victorious. He also reminded me that we prayed for this job, and this is where God led me. Maybe God is using this challenge to prepare me for what's next, whatever that is. One last counsel I found today was the blog My Messy, Thrilling Life. The writer over there is an amazing woman working through her own issues, but she is woman with great perspective. If you get a chance, read her Monday Moment from this week.


I pray that God will continue to reveal Himself in these situations. That I will learn through this and succeed in the job arena. That I can accept what is happening in the fertility area, and know His will. Lord, take me and mold me and make me the vessel that is going to shine. Give me the grace to handle these situations of pressure. Allow me to handle the stress with the grace that You will flow through me. I am Your child. Let me bask in Your love.