After one conclusive and expensive test at the doctor, I am now on the path to motherhood via Clomid. Evidently, I do not ovulate on a regular basis and so in order to get pregnant we have to try this method.
I guess the thing that stresses me most is the fact that I had a plan. I was not a girl going willy-nilly through life just accepting what happens to me. I was a girl with a plan. A timeline. A schedule. I like things regimented and on the clock. I will be early and stay late if that is what is needed. I get cranky when people mess with my timeline. Early in our marriage I had to learn that my husband's clock is not synchronized with mine. He flows on a slightly different schedule. While he does not like to be late either, his relationship with time is a little more pliable. I know it will take him longer to get ready than me, so why doesn't he go first? I learned to be a little more flexible and he learned to warn me if things weren't going to go like I planned in my head. But in this case, I don't think either of us were thinking about God's plan.
I have always wanted to have children when I was younger. Since I didn't get married until I was 27, I wanted to get started right away. Charlie was probably wiser and wanted us to be married a couple years first. It irritated me to wait. I had such plans. I like to think about baby names. I like to look at baby clothes. But when we arrived at the place where it was time to implement the plan, my body did not cooperate. I am the one who is broken, damaged, in need of fixing, a lemon of a uterus. That is my lot.
So I struggle and cry and pray. Lord, where is Your will in all of this? How can I stand in the middle of what You want? Where does medicine supercede faith? Does it ever? My children cannot rise up and call me blessed if there are no children. Give me the backbone to deal with the good intentions of those around me that really just hurt my heart. Allow me to smile and be gracious even as I am hurting. Most of all, allow me to stand in your grace and feel your delight.
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